Exorcising my inner demons

At some point today, I realised that I need a attitude transfusion. I've been sulky, impatient and sullen these past few weeks and it really sucks. I've spent way too much time being self-absorbed...but there really isn't anyone else for me to channel my energies into.

Maybe because I give so much, I expect a lot too. But mostly, I just get disappointed. The more you give, the more you get taken for granted, somehow. You could suggest I just sit back and let other people do the giving. I've tried that...and have been waiting ever since. Human beings are disappointing...even those you are close to...or maybe ESPECIALLY those you are close to. I wanna stop caring...I care too much. It hurts me even when I know I haven't done a good enough job explaning stuff to my students...and I don't get any money from doing this...nor am I their only teacher.

I'm sick of empty promises. Stop telling me you'll do this or do that...and either not mean it, or simply forget. All these crap promises won't make me happy. What makes me happy is if you do what you promise. If you can't do it, don't promise. I don't need things to make me happy...I need reliabilty. You asked if you could win someone over by sincerity. I gave you a chance...but whatever happened to the sincerity bit? Out of sight, out of mind...that's what's happening. Don't blame me...you didn't try hard enough. Words mean nothing, if your actions contradict them.

You feel bad that you've been neglecting someone close. Well, she's someone close and I am too...and if there's different degrees of neglect, I've gotten the losing end of the stick. If it's not ok to neglect her, what about me? What do I mean to you? You worry that we're growing apart...but it takes two hands to clap...and mine has always been there, waiting for yours. Don't ask me why I seem unhappy...you just have to look a little more intensely to find the reason.

I like you because you're a good person, but I hate it that everything revolves around you. You're very lucky, but you have no idea how to be grateful for it. I can't have your kind of luck...and there's nothing I can do about it. I just hope you learn to appreciate it more...and also be more sensitive about other people's feelings. Sure, there are plenty of opportunities on offer, but not everyone's so lucky to be offered it.

In case this seems all jumbled up, it's actually about several different people. I don't hate any of them...I'm just disappointed. I'm just spilling this all out, and thus hoping to exorcise my inner demons. Maybe then I'll learn to be happy again.