Life...and other afflictions

The rantings and uninteresting events of my life

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Have almost 2 years really passed? Time really flies and looking back at some of my old posts, I realise that my memories often don't match what I seemed to have felt in the past, at the time of certain events. I suppose we usually only remember what we want to remember

I wasn't sure if I wanted to ever blog again, since it sort of means putting my thoughts out for other people to see, even if no one may read it in reality. Sometimes I find my old thoughts embarrassing, which is why I threw away all my old diaries once. On one hand, I guess it means I've learnt stuff, but on the other, the folly of my youth (though I hope I can still be considered young) is unbearably embarrassing.

I think I have mellowed a bit over the years. I don't scream at people so much anymore..haha. Well, or at least I've learnt that some battles are not worth fighting at all.

So why on earth am I blogging again? Well, I think there are quite a few reasons. Firstly, I have finally handed in my thesis...which means I'm finally going to be done with university (if I pass, of course) after almost 7 years. I know it's almost normal for German students to study a few extra semesters, but I never intended this to happen to me. But as luck would have it, I was fed with wrong information or I had to search for certain hidden information. I attended some classes that I never needed to attend or attended certain lectures in vain, because someone forgot to tell me that I had to write 1 A4 page of thoughts in preparation for a lecture. The whole semester of attending that stupid lecture and the compulsory excursions wasted because no one told me about this single sheet of A4 paper homework. This wrong information or missing information thing has been a cause of major problems in my life. So now I always try to get as much information about things as possible beforehand and don't accept everything at face value if I haven't counterchecked the information. But another reason is that some profs just take forever to mark your papers. I swear that my uni career was extended by at least half a year simply because of 2 profs who took longer than normal to mark my papers. I handed in one of them in September 2007, 2 weeks before the deadline. In February 2008, when I was back in Dresden, I wanted to collect my last Schein and register for the exams, cos the deadline for the exams in May was 28th March (or something like that). I emailed and went to the prof's office hours...several times..only to be told it would be done soon. So I ended up missing the registration deadline and had to take the exam in August 3 months wasted. The second case was a bit similar. I also rushed to hand in the paper ASAP...but it took many emails and visits to finally get the Schein. Which also meant I missed the November deadline for the December exam..and even though there was another exam date in Feb, Marcus and I had long planned to go to Singapore then and already had the tickets, so there was no way to change. I ended up taking the written and oral exams in May and June 2009 instead. But I was so burnt out by then, that I simply couldn't start writing my thesis. Plus, at that time, Marcus and I were planning to get married and that also cost us a lot of our time and energy.

So basically, the stress from the exams and the paperwork hell that preceded our wedding kept me from writing, though I certainly needed a vent for all the frustrations and setbacks that I suffered. I just didn't have any energy left for anything. Although I guess Facebook games might have been a great distraction as well :D

So fastforward to nearly 2 years later and now things look quite different. I have stressful times behind me but also stressful times ahead. I desperately need to find a job soon because I can't let my poor parents support me forever and Marcus doesn't earn enough for the two of us to carry on living our lifestyles the same way on one income, although I think we are already relatively thrifty in many aspects. I studied something that interested me but is not very useful in finding me a job. No one is looking for someone like me, so I'll really have to work hard at selling myself to potential employers. But I'm not picky. I think I will take on almost any job in Dresden, as long as it doesn't require me to be a teacher or work as a call center agent. This will be the challenge for the months ahead.

Marcus also has a new job. Unfortunately, it requires him to travel to Munich every week. The pay is slightly better but the hours are horrendous and he doesn't get any overtime pay. But when the economy is bad and you are not in demand, you're forced to accept almost anything that pays the bills. So instead of seeing their husband or wife more after marriage, I see my husband much much less. Only on weekends, from late at night on Friday (if I haven't already fallen asleep) till Sunday evening at 6.30pm, when he has to leave again. We talk on the phone every day but he's usually so tired out cos they start at 6.30am and finish often at 9 or 10pm that we can't talk for more than a few minutes. I know we'll survive this but it's really not an ideal situation. So I really hope that as the boss promised, they soon might have a chance to work in Siebenlehn, which is not so far from Dresden. Although I technically do not have a problem with this weekly separation thing, I have a major problem with the changes I see in poor Marcus. They don't go for lunch breaks regularly because Marcus says it's hard when you are at a client's house. But how can people who do such hard physical work carrying many heavy things up 4-5 storeys only eat 1 or at most 2 meals a day? The last I saw, he had lost over 5kg..and although I can never tell if someone has lost or gained weight, I noticed it with him..and that is saying something. His uncle said he looked pale and he claimed that it's because they were indoors all the time. But his uncle meant the malnourished, sickly kind of pale. I don't see myself as the overly concerned kind of wife or person..but it breaks my heart to know I can't do anything about it. Sigh.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Haven't blogged since February...a ton of things to do since then..

Our new apartment had to be decorated..that took a long time..and is still a work in progress.e.g. we still only have an energy-saving bulb as a living room lamp.

Exams...getting stuff to even qualify was a real headache...I still haven't really sorted it out. The one exam that's over was a real mess. I knew my stuff but didn't really remember the most important thing pertaining to the questions sometimes. The next one's in October...then in December..then in January...maybe the last one. I hope so. I'm bloody sick of studying.

Working...after so many years of not working, I figured it was time to start..why? Because I want to start saving money..I mean ok, I am still living at my parents' expense, since I'll never earn enough at this job to pay for all my living expenses..cos I still have to study for my exams. But believe me, I am working as many hours as my schedule permits..

Ok..actually I'm only blogging because I feel like crap..and I am tired of being treated like a kid. Ok, so maybe I don't know everything..but I can't know if you don't tell me. I just want to be happy. Stop making it so hard.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

While I was unpacking and packing all clothes into my new chest of drawers, I realised I have some really weird looking bras...that are kinda ugly..but bra shopping always makes me feel desperate and depressed, so sometimes I buy weird things..just cos they sort of fit.

With the usual sizes in Singapore being 70A or 75B, I can never find anything. Han says she should be so lucky...but it really sucks. You see such pretty things hanging in the shops, like the Triumph Deep sexy..but never in my size. Nothing I can even squeeze into...although salesgirls always try hard to convince me to buy another size. Doesn't work though..cos if the band is too loose, the bra will ride up once I lift my arms...Han will remember how I raised my eyebrows and rolled my eyes at this salesgirl who tried to convince me that I needed band size 75...

In any case, the one she insisted I try was really not a good fit, even if it was a nice bra.

So I went to another place in search of another Triumph counter (cos they said in their ads that they now have bras in F cup as well) and the first lady there was like "What? F cup?" as if I'd asked her for neon pink oranges or something. Then she asked her colleague, who was better in the know...and she showed me the extremely tiny selection of bras. I said, "Sorry, they're just not really nice looking" and she sagely mused: " know, it's like people. The slimmer people look nicer than fat people. So probably small bras look nicer than big bras also." Hmmm...ok

Which I guess is true...big bras tend to look like granny property. They are either plain, huge and nude...or lacy like a wedding cake. WHY can't they have normal-looking bras? Cos only old overweight grannies wear such bras? Well, seriously, now that so many people are going for plastic surgery anyway, can't they sell bigger bras that are prettier? Also, considering the women in all those erotic mags and catalogues, there must be a market for non-granny bras...although I am not sure I want PVC or leather. :P

Monday, February 11, 2008

Some people would think it is great that their parents give them everything their heart could fancy. My dad is buying me a new iPod with some video function thing...and while many people would think I am crazy, I must admit I am not thrilled.

Not that I am an ungrateful brat, but rather, I do not need a new iPod. Ok, mine decided not to allow itself to be switched off yesterday...and so it was on the whole day. My dad fixed it somehow, because it was some software problem...ok Apple dudes, how should turning off an MP3 player be a software issue?? Can't you bloody invent a separate on/off button?????? I would love you a lot more for it.

In any case, it was working again this morning and I was appeased, even if my dad kept refusing to tell me how he fixed it (don't ask me why).

So, while I am sitting in my office, my phone rings. As I have no caller-ID, I was actually kinda surprised to hear my dad's voice.
Dad: "Eh, is your iPod working now?"
Me: "Yeah, I suppose so. I managed to turn it off."
Dad: "Eh, I want to buy you a new one...with video function. Which colour you want? Black, silver or blue?"
Me: "I don't want a new one! The old one still works!"
Dad: "The guy already made me an offer."
Me: "But I don't need a new one"
Dad: "Quick, what colour you want?"
Me (sighing): "Aiyah, black lah"
Dad: "Ok, bye!"

So why am I upset? Well, my dad gives me everything I want...and everything I don't want or need either. Yesterday I said I'd better remember to put more money in my wallet cos I needed some for lunch..and this morning, he gave me $50, which he refused to take back. I don't need the money. I have angpow money...I have savings...and I still have my allowance! I don't have big money, but I definitely have enough.

It's the same when I'm sitting in the dining room or in my room. My dad insists on turning on the fan even if I tell him I am not feeling hot and I don't need the fan. I believe in "xin jing zi ran liang" and I really don't want to waste electricity.

My dad asks why I always shout at him. Seems like an unrelated point, right? Actually, it's probably not as unrelated as it seems. Maybe my dad thinks I don't like him too much, which is why I yell, so maybe he trying to buy me things and tries to make me feel comfortable because he thinks I will treat him better? In which case, offering to buy me things all the time, is actually a sign that I've not been a good daughter, because if I were, he wouldn't feel the need to go out of his way to keep buying me things, giving me money and turning on the fan/aircon for me.

So, I guess what I shall do is try to stop shouting at him all the time and treat him more nicely. And, I shall save the extra money he gives me for when he is old, so I can give him back the money he spent on me. That's the least I can do, after all.

Sunday, October 07, 2007

Relationships can be really tiring. You know what to do and what not to do, but somehow you still do everything wrong. Never in my life have I wanted anything to work out more than this, but still, the same old mistakes and failures come to haunt me...and new challenges come along too.

I've never thought of myself as a possessive, jealous girlfriend. Usually, it was my boyfriend who were possessive and jealous. Two of them broke up with me because they couldn't stand me talking so much to other guys. Well, I never call my boyfriend 10 times a day to ask him where he is, but I would definitely like to get an SMS a day, especially since he's so far away.

I know it's a lot to ask from a guy to just stop playing his game for a while and talk to me without watching TV or something like that. But it doesn't make me want it any less. I let him play WoW whenever he wants...I even play with him. But sometimes I want him to turn off the thing and just give me some attention.

But no matter how often we argue over this, there will never be a real resolution. I just gave up and said I would stop complaining..and he can tell me I promised him that if I tried to complain again. It's simpler. He just doesn't understand what it means to me...he says, "I can't understand why you always get angry over every little piece of crap"..and I feel even worse. So what to do? I try to get a life and meet up with my friends, get busy with my work..and don't bother to stay online so long to talk to him. But it hurts. It hurts to have to change for him. Why can't he change for me too? I don't it just me, or have I given in almost all the time? I'm not saying he's unreasonable...but it's tiring. But I want so much for it to work...that I have no idea what I am doing anymore.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Have a verbal vomit urge. That despite having written 13 pages in 2 days...I have a 10,000 word paper on my hands. Waiting for my mum to read it so that I can email and post it to my prof tomorrow. It is not at all an intellectual piece. I have no idea how I managed to ramble for 10,000 words/25 pages. 2 days after the deadline. Hope he accepts it. I think I am headed for a 3.0 or something. It totally lacks substance.

But, it's almost done..just the corrections and the content page...then I can work in peace.

My long-awaited off-day will be spent at work. There is nothing sadder than going back to work when EVERYONE else is not working and not being paid for it. I mean I am ok with sacrificing some of my free time. That's what I do on Saturdays...but that's precisely the reason why I wanted this break so much! A weekday where nearly everyone else is working...a chance to go out when not everything is so crowded. A day I was going to spend swimming, shopping and chatting with Marcus. Now I have to go back at 1pm tomorrow. I thought someone was playing a trick on me.

This teacher called today just before lunch and announced that she was coming for the exhibtion tomorrow. Yes, announced...not ASKED. When I said the Institut was closed tomorrow, she said when she was there last week, there weren't any signs and the postcards said "4 September - 13 October"...well, honestly, even if we were open, I might've been having another tour...then I have no idea what she would do. Anyway, when I told her we were closed, she said but she already booked the I said I'd get the key and open it for her tomorrow. But hello, I wouldn't be stupid enough to book a bus before I knew if the person was free or not. My blood is boiling..seriously. But I am going back tomorrow...because I am nice...because this is only temporary and because the exhibition is only on until 12th October. I work 6 days a week...more than anyone else there...and I am not paid...I have to spend money getting into town. I mean I don't blame the company..but I mean other people...hello...have the courtesy to check with me in advance!! Ah well..I suppose I wanted to go to Bugis, so I'd have to go in the direction of town anyway..but hmm..I mean I wanted the freedom of having a choice to stay at home and slack the whole day too. I also need to top up my EZ-link card as well...bleargh...all these errands to run..and now work.

I wanna scream man! But well, at least the paper's more or less less worry.

Tons more to write about, but I suppose I'll go work on the contents page now...

Monday, October 01, 2007

Talking to myself...seems I'm doing a lot of it these days. I don't know if I'm made to socialise with other human beings. I feel like some awkward little idiot with nothing intelligent to say...see, when you talk to yourself, no one's gonna complain about how un-intellectual your conversation is.

I suppose that's playing it safe. The same way my toys always smile at me now matter how silly I've been..and I don't have to be intelligent 'cos honestly, they don't care. But it also means I don't learn how to be smart and well, it's kinda running away from reality. But I suppose I have other things to worry about first... my Hausarbeit..which was supposed to be handed in yesterday. But, I didn't write much on Sat and Sunday, so I wrote nearly 8 pages usual speed was 2-3 pages a I'm so close to completing it, but I just can' brain is dying...I can't concentrate anymore. I've been working on that paper since 9.30am this morning. It's 10pm now...only took breaks for lunch and the bus ride home. And I'm so stressed I'm getting a sore throat and I have a toothache. Please just let me finish it tomorrow so I can post it on Wednesday takes forever to get to Germany as it is. But I must hand it's my last Hausarbeit for Anglistik before I write my Magisterarbeit...I will have to write another one for DaF, but I guess that's ok...I just hate academic writing with all its quoting of sources and trying to form arguments.

Once I finish this, I can work in peace...yeah, not even have a holiday in peace...WORK in peace. But at least once I get home, I can relax. Maybe I'll even have time to go swimming. I still haven't gone a single time since I came back. In any case, I'd stop feeling guilty for writing my paper during office hours...but I never had another chance. Honestly, I've never worked harder to finish my papers, because usually I'd be in Germany and have no other distractions, like work and other stuff.

In any case, I hope my immune system survives this...I really have to be fit for the 12 tours next week. At least Wed is an offday...I would like to go shopping...for fun... :)