Jahresrückblick

It's hard to believe 2005 is almost over. I'd like to say that it flew by..and it sort of did, but yet the events of last January seem so far away, like an alternate reality. Many things have happened this year. I mean apart from the huge catastrophes which have rocked the world, everyone has had their own personal tragedies and triumphs...and maybe this is one of the years I'll never ever forget in my lifetime.

2005 is the year I turned 21. Not that it was significant in an obvious way. I didn't have a huge party. I didn't have any party, except for the fake one we had for "The Big Unknown 2".

Yes, "The Big Unknown 2". It seems so long ago. I'd nearly forgotten all about it. Not that it wasn't a real eye-opener. On the contrary, I learnt a lot then. I even learnt some things I probably didn't want to learn about myself. But all in all, it was a pretty interesting thing to have a film crew following you around, and getting to see all the behind the scenes action, which is often more dramatic than what goes on in front of the camera. It was hilarious! And it was great to have 3 Singaporeans to keep me company in Dresden, and I got to go to places I wouldn't usually go to if I were alone. Yes, the Big Unknown did change my life. I'm not talking about people who ask me "Hey, aren't you the girl on TV Mobile?" or "MTV?" or "Backpackers?" or "The Great Beyond?" Haha. Those people are cute. It's fun when people recognize you...even though they have no idea what the show is about. I especially love the little CHIJ primary girls who I met in Little India. They actually recognised me even though I wasn't looking anything like I did in the show. My hair was tied up and I was in a tank top and shorts, wearing tinted specs. I mean whoa...I don't have a recogniseable face, do I? They asked their tour guide to ask me if I was the girl in the show. So cute! Haha, ok, so that was my 15 seconds of fame.

2005 is the year I won't forget because of the break up of two relationships. The first one ended in January, not long before my 21st birthday. In this case, I was the initiator and to be honest, breaking up is hard to do, even if you're the one bringing it up. Besides not wanting to hurt him, you also enter a certain comfort zone after nearly half a year together...even if the last month or so was spent mostly arguing, getting angry, then making up. I appreciated him because he did once like me quite a lot, but at the same time, there were things I couldn't stand: possessiveness (I love my freedom) and also, his elevator didn't quite go all the way to the top, as my Linguistics lecturer would say. It was also funny that the cameraman's last words to me, as we say goodbye on the train, were "Don't forget to break up with your boyfriend!". And so it ended. Over the phone. Don't get me wrong, I'm not that cruel, but he wanted it that way. I knew it was over when I didn't wanna call him to tell him that I'd gotten back to Dresden.

And unfortunately, I have to admit that I wasn't the least bit sad when we broke up. I was relieved, because I had my freedom from a guy was jealous of every guy he saw me exchange a word with. Azman said, "Wow, no guy has ever been jealous of me before"...which was hilarious, because the idea was absurd.

Maybe I was also relieved because I was free to meet up with Max. After meeting him on the train in November 2004, he got my number, but didn't call till Christmas Eve. And he said maybe we'd meet up in January. I'd actually tried to break up with LY before that, but it didn't work out. Anyway, I met up with him the night we had a break from filming...at Hot Wok, which was, by the way, our usual hangout during the filming period. In any case, I'd already forgotten what he looked like. I was glad he recognised me, because looking around like an idiot would have been very embarrassing. I didn't think he liked me, cos he was very quiet throughout the evening. So I was pretty surprised when at the end of it, he asked, "Why don't we do this again some time? My treat." (cos I'd paid this time, as an apology for brushing him off abruptly over the phone...LY was eavesdropping and being jealous).

And so, we made arrangements...and they happened to coincide with my 21st birthday. We had dinner in an Italian restaurant near his place and this time, we talked till the restaurant was closing. He'd gotten me a present, which I didn't expect. He walked me to the tram stop and asked "What are you doing tomorrow?" "Nothing" "You can't be doing nothing. Do you wanna watch a movie tomorrow?" Haha, so that's how we ended up watching Aviator. The lady even gave up one of those seats without an armrest in between. Then he said he wanted to eat Singaporean food...and I offered to cook for him. On the night he came over, it was a disaster. The vacuum cleaner...man...what a mess! But it turned out ok. He liked the laksa and we watched "Infernal Affairs". Then before he left, he turned around and said, "Let's meet up again before you leave for Singapore. I'll cook for you this time"

And so we did. And that night, we got together. It was funny, because I was beginning to think he was gay. No talk of ex girlfriends, no trying to make a move or whatever. So...but then he surprised me. Anyway, I stayed over that night because it was really late. Nothing happened, you kay pohs! Haha...that is what really did impress me about him. He did ask for a goodnight kiss, but it was the kind you'd give your mother.

The next morning, the weather was bad, so we stayed in and watched "The Simpsons". I was feeling puzzled, so I just made the first move and kissed him. And these are the words I'll never forget: "I have to admit something: I've never done this before." But he was good. Really good. This is one of the things I'll never forget about him...that and how his scent drives me wild.

In any case, we had great times together. While I was in Singapore, I got an email from him nearly every day, sometimes even twice in one day. Then when I went back, I stayed at his family's place for about a week and celebrated Easter with them. We went to Neuschwanstein...went swimming...watched Kinsey, etc. I stayed with them another time in May, over the Pfingsten hols. I really liked his family.

In Dresden, we went for walks, visited museums, watched DVDs or movies, and just hung out...it never got boring. I kept him company when he was sick once. We could spend hours not doing much. We completed 2 jigsaw puzzles together, one of Singapore and a 3D Neuschwanstein. There were a lot of things I liked about him. He never tried to make me see things his way, though we could discuss our views. He told me that he liked my butt...like how often do you hear someone say that? But no, that wasn't really that important...most important was how we could have fun no matter what crap we were doing...be it watching TV or just walking in the park. I also loved his sense of humour...which helped me to be a little less serious. He was the first guy I wasn't embarrassed to introduce my friends to.

I think it's the first time I'd really fallen in love with someone. But that's dangerous. The moment I thought, hey, I really like him so much that I can overlook his flaws...well, he broke up with me. I had no clue and it really hurt A LOT. He wouldn't tell me why, except he wasn't in love with me anymore. I made all the mistakes I shouldn't have made during a break up...but I was hurting so bad and it was a major shock for me. I had absolutely no appetite whatsoever and I'd actually lost 4.5 kg in 4 days (I've gained it all back now though...and more...so see, losing a lot of weight quickly isn't good for you). I began to doubt myself, a lot. I felt worthless (not just because of him, but the break up was the trigger factor) and lost and I did a lot of thinking and crying and hurting. But a lot of people helped me then: Ruth, Fu Wei, Steffi, Angeline, Liu Jian, Mai etc. They were really sweet. I'll never forget their kindness and willingness to lend a listening ear.

To be brutally honest, though it's been nearly half a year since he dumped me, I'm still not totally over him. Sure, I know for certain that he's not coming back...but like it is when a loved one has passed away, you really wish that it hadn't happened. No matter what the reality of the situation is. In short, I know it's over, but I wish it weren't.

2005 is the year I gave Deutsche Bahn a lot of my money. I travelled quite a lot this year..mostly within Germany. I went to Krakow in January, with Azman and his friend. We took a short trip to Auschwitz. It was scarily HUGE and we didn't even go to the next-door Birkenau, where the REAL, huge concentration camp was. I went to Ehingen and Ulm with the film crew to meet Marco. We spent 4 hours in the middle of the night at Ulm Hbf. There were mostly drunks and crazy people there. I was feel so cold that I couldn't sleep much...despite having 3 thick jackets on. I went to Munich twice, to stay with Max and his family. Met up with the Singaporeans thee was well. Went to Uelzen for the SSAG AGM...Uelzen, which Max was convinced had only 3 inhabitants: a farmer and his 2 cows. But Uelzen was fun. We played Ultimate Frisbee! Then I was in Kassel 3 times this year! :) Once for Ruth's birthday...once after Max broke up with me. Ruth was a great comfort and also, I bought a lot of clothes in Kassel cos it was Sommerschlussverkauf. And the last time was when she invited me, Yuhan, Rachel and Lee Ting over after the Zwischenprüfung. And everytime, I got to eat very nice food...and bought a lot of clothes. Haha. And I went to Berlin at least twice...once for the Singapore Embassy thing and another time with Yuhan. I love Berlin, but it's too chaotic for me to live there...I prefer living in Dresden. I went to Leipzig once with Rachel...Leipzig is not as boring as people make it out to be. Rach and I also went to Meissen, which was pretty...pity we didn't have enough time there to see Albrechtsburg. I went to Hamburg to visit Rachy-Wachy...Ruth was there too! And that was a really cool experience...Reeperbahn, the Erotic Art Museum, the Dom, the "cruise", the harbour, etc. It was there I started falling in love with scarves. The weekend after that, I went to Köln for the SSAG-EDB event. Another cross-country visit..thank God Raymond was going too, so the train ride didn't seem to take as long. We got Bakwa there!! Yummy! And we went on a hike and I think I looked nice in the photos taken there...haha! And my last trip of 2005 will be to Salzburg and Vienna...starting tomorrow. I'll be back on 3rd Jan. Boy, I have spent a lot of money on travelling this sem!

I've also gotten a lot more visits this year than the two I got last year from Huifang and Azman. Jolyn's friends stayed one night in Jan..ok, dun really know them, but who cares. Joshua, Ruth's friend. Lee Ting. Rachel. Ruth. Raymond. Yuhan. It was fun showing them around! I've also gone to the Weihnachstmarkt a LOT this year.

Steffi visited me in Singapore in March 2005. We all enjoyed showing her around, and my family discovered there's a lot more to Singapore than we thought. We all liked having her with us, because she tried everything :)

I had 2 paying jobs this year. One was at Career 2005, where I had to answer questions about studying in Germany. The pay was good, but I also quite like the job, even if there are some weirdoes who look at you, say "Germany?" and expect you to tell them something. The other was the EDB internship in August-September. I got to know a lot of good eating places and I learnt a lot about how to look at things from a different perspective...learnt that I've been quite simple and narrow-minded sometimes. I had a good time and I loved the office. I love the view! It is great to work in Raffles City Tower and cool to have an access pass. Makes me feel important. Hahaha! I also got a translation job...just a one-off thing, but it was interesting and good for experience.

In 2005, I learnt how to cycle...yes, after 21 years of being on this planet, I have finally learnt how to cycle. Have to thank Steffi and her dad for this...and Max, for nagging me to learn. It was a great feeling to finally ride along East Coast Park, wind in my hair and all. But also memorable was the accident with the tree. Thank God the scars are gone! But it really was kinda funny!

In 2005, I finally rediscovered the joy of swimming. I'm not talking about competitive stuff..just floating in the water and all. I also learned how to tread water...finally!

In terms of school, 2005 wasn't a great year...didn't do particularly well and I couldn't take the damn Intermediate Exam. But, I managed to finish my first term paper before the deadline...cos I usually hand in my stuff like 2 weeks or up to a whole semester after the deadline. I started learning Swedish and Czech...and I realised how much I suck at learning new languages. But I won't give up. I know I am a slow learner. I began to teach German too, as part of a seminar. It is good and I like my students, though I am running out of ideas on how to present new information in an interesting way.

What else can I say? Well, I think I've grown up this year. Sure, I still love my toys, but I'm not wearing rose-coloured glasses anymore. I've been through some tough patches this year, and I've spent a while being very very sad. But I realised that being sad is just really tiring. In any case, God puts you in certain situations and you are confronted with certain circumstances. While you can't change your circumstances, you can change your attitude. And I want to have a good attitude going into 2006.