Hmm...here I am, on the brink of my 20th birthday, all alone in Dresden, unable to take a shower cos the bathroom lights are blown...AGAIN! Well technically I am already twenty, according to Singapore time..but who's counting? Birthdays are yearly milestones and 20 is one of the big things I guess...of course 21 is "bigger" but whoa, it's not called the big 2-0 for nothing.
Strangely enough, I don't really wanna grow up. It probably accounts for why I like the same music and bands as my 13 year old sister. I'm not saying she ain't cool. She is...just that it's getting hard to admit you are into teen idols when you're 20. Come to think of it though, my auntie's 48 and she still loves cute guys. She's cool too.
Birthdays are also time to think about where you're gotten in life. I regret a whole lot of things. And if I think about it, sometimes one little thing can really change the way you deal with similar situations. After the first time some guy I sort of liked (this is ancient history already) told me that we didn't know each other well enough to be friends (after hanging out together for 11 months or so), I think my heart broke...from then on, I reckon I pretty much unfairly rejected every single guy who even showed the least bit of interest in me. I'm really sorry to all of them (not that many lah!), but in any case, in my kinda state now, give for free, no one will want also. Haha. But I am guilty of some bad behaviour and unjustified bad behaviour at that...so have to apologise. Even if none of the affected people actually read my blog. =)
Another regret: spent 1 year starving myself, lying to people and exercising like crazy to get skinny...then what happens? I gain it all back in half the time...and add on some 10kg to that as well. What a joke. Well, my life is a joke.
Of course there are some good things that have happened to be. I don't have many friends...not many at all, but those I have, I really do treasure. I'm a lousy person for keeping in contact, but I still have some friends whom I've known for at least a few years. I think one of the reasons why I have no desire to keep in contact with the majority of people I know, is because of the way I look now. I'm not just being vain or whatever, but when I meet people who last saw me in sec 3,4 or JC 1, I can see that shock in their eyes..it's always firstly a questioning look "Who is that?". Then realisation dawns...and it turns to shock. Most people are too polite to say anything. I used to secretly end up in tears if someone did say something...but actually, it's not like they had no reason to say what they wanted, what was the truth. No matter what, there are the friends that have stuck with me through thick and thin (literally) and I love them all to bits.
I've also had a pretty good school life I think. Even if I ended up being an outcast quite often. I had my fun in CCAs and committees and stuff. I wouldn't have changed anything for the world. I still don't really know why all those people didn't like me...well, I can guess, but I wouldn't really know. Maybe besides the faults in my own personality, I hung out with the other outcasts too much. But I felt for them. Even if no one wanted to be nice to them, I know I would have to. I knew it wasn't nice to be ignored or ill-treated by others...but I was no saint either. There were people I couldn't stand as well. I tried to be nice to them, but I still couldn't help complaining. I suppose that's why my sec 2 class thought I was the world's biggest hypocrite. I remember the day I found that out for myself. People I thought were my friends..they couldn't deny it though. They'd written it in big letters on the whiteboard in class. They did other things to prove it too. In the end of year concert, they chose just 2 people to NOT dance on stage. Me and this other girl. They fed us crap like "Oh, you're responsible, so we put you in charge of PA" which essentially meant "You just have to press "play"" They also said the stage was too small. Well, I hope they sorely regret it. The other girl who didn't get to dance was really very pissed with them. I had to calm her down, while keeping my own emotions in check. She committed suicide 3 years ago. Although this event wasn't the cause of it, I am sure it left an emotional scar on her.
People don't go crazy or do stupid things after just one crushing event...they do it cos of the accumulation of all the hurts and pains gathered up over the years. It's always a mountain of emotional debris, no matter if it's self-created or inflicted by others.
Me? I've gone past the stage of being suicidal. Now I just don't wanna die, because I think, each day we're alive (if that's God's will), there's a chance that things will get better. Maybe it's just that we have to take the first step and not wallow in self-pity...that never got anyone anywhere.
Wow, I've written a lot today. But I need an outlet for my feelings too. Everyone does...and most people are especially melancholic on their birthdays. But birthdays are also a time of celebration, I think. Even though I won't be going out with friends or having a birthday cake, I'll still have stuff to be happy about on my birthday. I've had a pretty good life in general. Without the downs, there wouldn't be the ups, you know?
Strangely enough, I don't really wanna grow up. It probably accounts for why I like the same music and bands as my 13 year old sister. I'm not saying she ain't cool. She is...just that it's getting hard to admit you are into teen idols when you're 20. Come to think of it though, my auntie's 48 and she still loves cute guys. She's cool too.
Birthdays are also time to think about where you're gotten in life. I regret a whole lot of things. And if I think about it, sometimes one little thing can really change the way you deal with similar situations. After the first time some guy I sort of liked (this is ancient history already) told me that we didn't know each other well enough to be friends (after hanging out together for 11 months or so), I think my heart broke...from then on, I reckon I pretty much unfairly rejected every single guy who even showed the least bit of interest in me. I'm really sorry to all of them (not that many lah!), but in any case, in my kinda state now, give for free, no one will want also. Haha. But I am guilty of some bad behaviour and unjustified bad behaviour at that...so have to apologise. Even if none of the affected people actually read my blog. =)
Another regret: spent 1 year starving myself, lying to people and exercising like crazy to get skinny...then what happens? I gain it all back in half the time...and add on some 10kg to that as well. What a joke. Well, my life is a joke.
Of course there are some good things that have happened to be. I don't have many friends...not many at all, but those I have, I really do treasure. I'm a lousy person for keeping in contact, but I still have some friends whom I've known for at least a few years. I think one of the reasons why I have no desire to keep in contact with the majority of people I know, is because of the way I look now. I'm not just being vain or whatever, but when I meet people who last saw me in sec 3,4 or JC 1, I can see that shock in their eyes..it's always firstly a questioning look "Who is that?". Then realisation dawns...and it turns to shock. Most people are too polite to say anything. I used to secretly end up in tears if someone did say something...but actually, it's not like they had no reason to say what they wanted, what was the truth. No matter what, there are the friends that have stuck with me through thick and thin (literally) and I love them all to bits.
I've also had a pretty good school life I think. Even if I ended up being an outcast quite often. I had my fun in CCAs and committees and stuff. I wouldn't have changed anything for the world. I still don't really know why all those people didn't like me...well, I can guess, but I wouldn't really know. Maybe besides the faults in my own personality, I hung out with the other outcasts too much. But I felt for them. Even if no one wanted to be nice to them, I know I would have to. I knew it wasn't nice to be ignored or ill-treated by others...but I was no saint either. There were people I couldn't stand as well. I tried to be nice to them, but I still couldn't help complaining. I suppose that's why my sec 2 class thought I was the world's biggest hypocrite. I remember the day I found that out for myself. People I thought were my friends..they couldn't deny it though. They'd written it in big letters on the whiteboard in class. They did other things to prove it too. In the end of year concert, they chose just 2 people to NOT dance on stage. Me and this other girl. They fed us crap like "Oh, you're responsible, so we put you in charge of PA" which essentially meant "You just have to press "play"" They also said the stage was too small. Well, I hope they sorely regret it. The other girl who didn't get to dance was really very pissed with them. I had to calm her down, while keeping my own emotions in check. She committed suicide 3 years ago. Although this event wasn't the cause of it, I am sure it left an emotional scar on her.
People don't go crazy or do stupid things after just one crushing event...they do it cos of the accumulation of all the hurts and pains gathered up over the years. It's always a mountain of emotional debris, no matter if it's self-created or inflicted by others.
Me? I've gone past the stage of being suicidal. Now I just don't wanna die, because I think, each day we're alive (if that's God's will), there's a chance that things will get better. Maybe it's just that we have to take the first step and not wallow in self-pity...that never got anyone anywhere.
Wow, I've written a lot today. But I need an outlet for my feelings too. Everyone does...and most people are especially melancholic on their birthdays. But birthdays are also a time of celebration, I think. Even though I won't be going out with friends or having a birthday cake, I'll still have stuff to be happy about on my birthday. I've had a pretty good life in general. Without the downs, there wouldn't be the ups, you know?
posted by Samantha @ 10:00 pm
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home