I SCREWED UP.

Sigh. I don't even feel like talking about it. I'm so sian of the whole thing. But somehow, I need to get it out of my system.

I studied really hard. I stayed home for 2 weeks and did nothing but study...and everything I studied didn't come in handy for the exam all. The stuff that came up in the exam wasn't mentioned explicitly during lectures...it can be classified as "extra reading". Still, I should've been smarter and realised that they'd ask something that not every single idiot who attended the lecture would know. So, on one hand, I didn't know what was coming out, and it's not like I didn't study...so how to blame myself for the less than perfect results? And on the other hand, I should've been smart enough to ask if I didn't know, right? Sigh.

Secondly, it was my first oral exam...I panicked...and ended up getting pronunciation and intonation all wrong...and believe me, it counts. Also, I can't really think on my feet. I ended up saying a lot of things which I ended up having to take back, cos they were wrong. And it was embarrassing.

Thirdly, some of the questions were not exactly specific. A lot of times, I asked myself, "What on earth is she trying to ask me? What is she looking for?"

Fourthly, she asked me about certain things I did know, and I even knew the supposed reasoning...but I didn't really understand why the reasoning was the reasoning...like for example, usually, vowels are the ones that give away non-native speakers...and the reason behind it is that vowels are produced within a very small area of the mouth, about 1/3 of the tongue. This much I know...but I don't understand WHY! I mean why does it mean that non-native speakers get vowels wrong because they're produced within such a small area? I mean ok, I got to hear the other reason later, but it's cos of this that I couldn't answer confidently. SHIT lah...sigh

Finally, I guess although I was crap, I kinda hoped for a miracle...but oh well. She asked if I was satisfied with my grade. I wasn't, but how could I say no? I mean as if she'd change it or what. And I thought I was okay with it, even though it wasn't what I'd hoped for. But the moment I stepped out of her office, the tears just started flowing. And believe me, the last thing I wanted to do was to cry. I didn't know why I felt so sad. But everything just poured out and I couldn't hold back the tears. I was utterly disappointed in myself...and I still am, whether or not there's a good reason for it. Maybe it has to do with the fact that the exam is in English and I have no bloody excuse to do badly...I mean if this is the kinda grade I get for an English exam, what kinda grade am I going to get for my German exam? Also, I know I am capable of much bettter. I know I'm not that intelligent, but I also know that I'm not stupid...and I know what I know and what I don't know...and this exam didn't show anyone what I do know. Sigh. What's the use of unfulfilled potential? It's worth as much as nothing.

I didn't feel like doing anything at all after that...despite my plans to go to town and relax a bit. I went back to my room and cried like I haven't cried in a long time. But then Ruth called me...and talking to her helped a lot. Needed to get it all out and I know she understands the position I am in. Then my neighbour came over and asked how it went. She made lunch for me and got me distracted from my disappointment for a while. After talking to her and Ruth, I felt like going out...because I didn't feel like staying in my room and doing nothing but mourn for my stupidity. I also really needed the fresh air.

So I forced myself to leave the house. I bought the skirt I've been eyeing for a while...I didn't really wanna buy more clothes, since I have many I haven't worn, but I like the way the skirt makes my butt look...haha...even though my legs look kinda gross..ah what the heck. I like the colour. And then I walked into New Yorker and found a pair of jeans for only 4,95...and it looked pretty good! I'm really happy with my buys. I guess retail therapy does work. I also splurged at dm...I spent a total of nearly 35 Euro...SGD 70!! Yipes! But I bought a new electric toothbrush, cos I realise that my gums are receding...and I should take better care of my teeth and gums. I don't wanna have to wear dentures prematurely. Anyway, it was special Payback week...so I get 5 times the number of points for my purchases. Not bad eh? Anyway...I bought a lot of stuff that I've been tempted to try out. Lee Ting called me while I was at dm...talking to her helped too. I guess all in all, I don't feel THAT bad anymore. But I am sad.

Well, I didn't do any studying today...my eyes hurt from crying...I hope I'll be fit to start my revision for DaF tomorrow.