Finally the exams are over. But I don't even feel happy. Instead, I'm just dragging myself around.
I did get to talk to Max yesterday and no he doesn't hate me, but he really doesn't love me anymore and I am sure of that. It doesn't mean we're enemies though. We got along just fine and that's what I always liked about him. That he can be my friend and I can talk to him...not just talk about mushy lovey-dovey stuff or make out all the time. And we really did talk yesterday. I shed a few tears now and then, but I didn't cry and look like a loser. But we've decided that we'll try to be friends. He said it'll probably be weird when he or I find a new partner, but we'll worry about that when the time comes. It was a very honest talk and I appreciated it. We talked about other things too, of course. I definitely didn't feel to awkward, except that I couldn't touch and kiss him anymore. I don't know how it was for him, but I guess he was ok too.
I told him that I wish I loved him less so it wouldn't hurt so much, but it wouldn't have been as wonderful either. He agreed with me. And I know it's not that he never loved me or anything...it just lost steam. I guess that happens, although I find it hard to accept.
It was quite funny because when we went to the kebab place, the guy serving him had asked me out 2 years before, when I just came to Dresden. I told Max that afterwards and he said, "You have all these guys trying to talk to you!" and I replied, "But they're all stupid and I don't like them." "Thanks, man", he said. "You're the only exception", I told him.
The rest of what we talked about shall remain private...there's too much to say anyway. I guess I can only say that because I love him a lot...in fact, the first guy I've ever loved...I have to and will respect his decision. And I will move on. I can't lie and say it doesn't hurt. It does...but I understand. And if it didn't hurt at all, then I never loved him. I will always have a soft spot for him though, because he taught me many things, about life and about myself. Even if it didn't last very long, it was beautiful while it lasted. There was never a dull moment when he was around. I could never hate him. The only thing I could begrudge him for is for breaking up with me...but there's nothing else about him or the relationship that I will look back at and regret.
I did get to talk to Max yesterday and no he doesn't hate me, but he really doesn't love me anymore and I am sure of that. It doesn't mean we're enemies though. We got along just fine and that's what I always liked about him. That he can be my friend and I can talk to him...not just talk about mushy lovey-dovey stuff or make out all the time. And we really did talk yesterday. I shed a few tears now and then, but I didn't cry and look like a loser. But we've decided that we'll try to be friends. He said it'll probably be weird when he or I find a new partner, but we'll worry about that when the time comes. It was a very honest talk and I appreciated it. We talked about other things too, of course. I definitely didn't feel to awkward, except that I couldn't touch and kiss him anymore. I don't know how it was for him, but I guess he was ok too.
I told him that I wish I loved him less so it wouldn't hurt so much, but it wouldn't have been as wonderful either. He agreed with me. And I know it's not that he never loved me or anything...it just lost steam. I guess that happens, although I find it hard to accept.
It was quite funny because when we went to the kebab place, the guy serving him had asked me out 2 years before, when I just came to Dresden. I told Max that afterwards and he said, "You have all these guys trying to talk to you!" and I replied, "But they're all stupid and I don't like them." "Thanks, man", he said. "You're the only exception", I told him.
The rest of what we talked about shall remain private...there's too much to say anyway. I guess I can only say that because I love him a lot...in fact, the first guy I've ever loved...I have to and will respect his decision. And I will move on. I can't lie and say it doesn't hurt. It does...but I understand. And if it didn't hurt at all, then I never loved him. I will always have a soft spot for him though, because he taught me many things, about life and about myself. Even if it didn't last very long, it was beautiful while it lasted. There was never a dull moment when he was around. I could never hate him. The only thing I could begrudge him for is for breaking up with me...but there's nothing else about him or the relationship that I will look back at and regret.
posted by Samantha @ 5:20 pm
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