I spent the whole night crying. It's so pathetic. It's so different from my last break up. I was so relieved and even happy then. Now I feel as if the worst thing in the world has happened to me. I've never felt worse in my life.

He broke up with me because he said he didn't have any feelings for me anymore. He didn't feel in love with me anymore, he said. Well, what can I do about that? If he didn't like something about me, I could change. If he'd found someone else, well, I could understand too, because you just like some people more than others. I asked him if it had gotten boring. He said no. He said the only reason was there were more feelings towards me. He still liked me as a friend, but not more. But later, when I asked him if we could still be friends, he said it wasn't a good idea, but we could try. The fact is, he said, it had nothing to do with me and I didn't do anything wrong. Which makes me even sadder, because it means I can't ever do anything to get him back. If I'd been doing something wrong, at least I could try to change...

I even stooped so low as to beg him several times to give me/us a second chance. He said it wouldn't make a difference. We could meet in October to talk, but he didn't think his feelings, or lack thereof, would change. I asked him if the feeling was more important that I was. He said yes. I told him that I really loved him, but of course, that doesn't change a thing.

I guess it's really a bad time because I'm having 3 exams next week. It was already hard enough to feel motivated to study even when I had the weekend in Munich to look forward to. Now it's even worse. But he said there's never a good time to break up. He didn't wanna do it before I flew back to Singapore or after I came back to Germany.

I've never loved any guy so much in my life and it hurts like crazy to know that I can't do anything to change the fact that's he's gone and he's not intending to come back. While talking to him, I became more and more sure that he was determined and his mind was already made up. But you know, a drowning man will clutch at a straw. I asked him if he was sure and he said yes. So I knew my fate was sealed. I knew that even if he changed his mind now, it would only be out of pity for me. He said it wouldn't be fair, because I would want more than that. He's right, sadly. I just didn't think it would end so soon. Neither did he, but it just happened. How can I begrudge him for that?

So I just told him what I love about him: that we can agree to disagree and that he always makes me happy with all his crappy jokes, even if I'm in a bad mood. And it was fun. He admits it was fun too. He said he'll never forget me because I was his first girlfriend and guys don't forget their first girlfriend. I don't know if it's true, but well, it'll be nice if he at least remembers me in some way...even if we weren't together for very long.

When he was leaving, he said "Thanks for everything." And then he was gone. Just like that. Something I never expected right up till the moment he said he wanted to break up.

On one hand, I won't have to worry if I'm annoying him or think about how to make him happy. But when you're in love, these things just come naturally and you don't see it as a chore, but as a joy.

I guess I'll get over him eventually, but he was my erste große Liebe so I have no idea if I'll survive till eventually gets here. But I guess we had some really good times, and that's what should stay in my memories. We never really had any majorly unhappy incidents, so I guess I should be thankful for that.