I have very rotten luck with men. There was this really weird guy on the streets today who told me I was beautiful and wanted to drink coffee with me. He kept saying he liked me a lot. Like what a freak, I don't even know you. He was INSANE...he kept muttering to himself when Mai told him to leave us alone. Why oh why do all these freaks come up to me? Am I a freak magnet or something? At least he didn't follow us...and it was a crowded area, so nothing happened. But it's horrible. I don't even feel safe anymore, like there's no one to protect me from all these freaks. I'm so scared.

Mai and I went shopping today...and it helped me to keep busy for about 7 hours. We went into countless shops and tried on stuff. I bought 3 tops: a blue tube, a blue/green striped shirt for work and a pink sequinned top that I've been dying to buy for like over half a year. It was too expensive, about $40...so I never bought it...finally, I found it at 50% today and there were only 2 pieces left...in my size! Yay! But when I got home, it made me sad again, because I realised that I don't have anyone to wear it for, so what's the bloody point? Even if he never noticed exactly what I was wearing, he would tell me when I looked good.

This morning I didn't cry when I woke up, because I thought about it and realised that it was really no fault of mine that he chose to break up with me. I know I've been an understanding and reasonable girlfriend, or at least I tried very hard. I never picked quarrels with him over little things...I never called to check on his whereabouts or accused him of seeing other girls...I never told him what he could or couldn't do...when he had to change plans, I always accepted it...and when he was sick, I took care of him and kept him company...when he needed to use the Internet or print something, I let him come over. But then all these things don't mean anything now. Sure, I don't have to care about what he feels anymore, or if he'll call me...but when you're in love, you do all these things gladly..you even kinda see it as a privilege.

I'm still hurting. Very badly. And I don't know what to do to make it better. None of the distractions last very long and once they're over, the pain comes back. And tears flood my eyes. I can't say exactly why the pain is there. I guess it's the pain of having a hole torn into the fabric of my existence. It's the pain of knowing that no matter how hard I tried, it wasn't enough. It's the pain of knowing that I can't do anything about it. It's the pain of losing someone I love. It's the pain of emptiness and silence. It's the pain of losing my direction and my focus in life. It's the pain of losing something to look forward to.

I know lots of people have gone through this and have felt immense pain as well..but I'm not so strong, not as strong as I would like to believe. I feel like I am lying to myself when I say that I am strong and I will get through this. Whatever I might say, the truth is that I'd give anything up to have him back. It's impossible I know...but underneath it all, there's nothing I want more than him. My mum would scold me for getting too involved with him, despite knowing he wouldn't be my life partner. But how can you stop this kind of thing? Love is impossible to control and when you only give half your heart, you also only can receive that much in return.