Ok, I said no long post...but now I don't feel like sleeping anymore...so I think I will write more.
Feel like crap..having been feeling like crap for a while. Stressed and feeling useless. Am I really good for nothing?
Well, I have a wonderful boyfriend...even if we did have a silly misunderstanding today. I don't know what's come over me lately, really. Well, I don't know if he'll kill me for writing about it here...but I promise to make up for it later by writing about why I think he's wonderful.
I was telling him a story and he suddenly corrected my grammar..which is ok, except that it interrupted my train of thought (bad timing) and secondly, although he did not mean it in a bad way, it looked to me, in online terms, as if he were screaming at me...which made me feel dumb...very dumb. And goodness knows how dumb I've been made to feel during Czech and Swedish classes this past couple of weeks already.
So I could only write "ok" to the next 2 sentences he wrote. And his response was to say he was going to bed and I should too. This made me upset, because it suggested that he wasn't listening carefully enough to realise that I hadn't finished telling the story...so I ended up being sarky and saying "I haven't finished telling the story, but whatever.." and he told me to tell him the rest of the story...but I was still angry, so I told him I wasn't going to tell him a story when he wanted to go to bed. It went on for a while..then he said he was really going to bed..and I decided I was not going to go to bed being angry with him and with him still being angry with me..so I decided to explain myself and also apologise for being hypersenstive. I don't know why I'm like that. I don't give a damn when strangers make me feel dumb, ugly, (fill in the blanks)..but it really bothers me when people I care about/like do things that make me upset...and very often, it's not really that they insult me..I just read too much into their actions...I wish I could change...not be so silly. I mean now I can understand why no one has ever held it out with me for very long.
But more than being angry with him, I was/am angry with myself...for acting like a jerk...for being petty and childish. Is it really true that people with poor self-image treat the ones who love them badly...to subconsciously see how far this person can go?
From the play "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf" by Edward Albee: "You know, there's only been one man in my whole life who's ever made me happy. Do you know that?...George, my husband...George, who is out somewhere there in the dark, who is good to me - whom I revile, who can keep learning the games we play as quickly as I can change them. Who can make me happy and I do not wish to be happy. Yes, I do wish to be happy. George and Martha: Sad, sad, sad...Whom I will not forgive for having come to rest; for having seen me and having said: yes, this will do; who has made the hideous, the hurting, the insulting mistake of loving me and must be punished for it. George and Martha: Sad, sad, sad...Some day, hah! Some night, some stupid, liquor-ridden night, I will go too far and I'll either break the man's back or I'll push him off for good which is what I deserve."
This is one of the passages I'll never forget. At 17, I may not really have understood this, but as I grow older, I find this is one of the most poignant passages about love that I have ever read.
Ok, enough about the misunderstanding...I should tell you why he's a wonderful boyfriend. He surprised me by coming to Dresden on Thursday evening, instead of Friday noon, as he told me. I was supremely shocked when I opened the door, because I thought it was Fu Wei knocking. We had planned to eat Bak Kut Teh, you see...and the food was almost ready..so I thought it was her coming to tell me that it was ready. But it was Marcus! I was very very happy...but still shocked. But it was really really sweet of him...
He always tries to make me happy...and thinks about what I would want or what would make me happy. I guess this is what makes him different from my ex-boyfriends. I mean sure, I think they did want me to be happy too...but they never put in as much effort as Marcus does now. He also keeps to his promises...which is really, the ULTIMATE prerequisite for my guy. I don't need expensive holidays or clothes. I need someone who says, "I'll be there at 10" and is really there at 10...and that describes Marcus perfectly.
The list of his good qualities goes on...but the conclusion I draw from this...is that I really should learn to be less sceptical and hypersensitive...if not, I will end up jeopardising all the relationships which mean anything to me.
Ok, I really need to sleep now.
Feel like crap..having been feeling like crap for a while. Stressed and feeling useless. Am I really good for nothing?
Well, I have a wonderful boyfriend...even if we did have a silly misunderstanding today. I don't know what's come over me lately, really. Well, I don't know if he'll kill me for writing about it here...but I promise to make up for it later by writing about why I think he's wonderful.
I was telling him a story and he suddenly corrected my grammar..which is ok, except that it interrupted my train of thought (bad timing) and secondly, although he did not mean it in a bad way, it looked to me, in online terms, as if he were screaming at me...which made me feel dumb...very dumb. And goodness knows how dumb I've been made to feel during Czech and Swedish classes this past couple of weeks already.
So I could only write "ok" to the next 2 sentences he wrote. And his response was to say he was going to bed and I should too. This made me upset, because it suggested that he wasn't listening carefully enough to realise that I hadn't finished telling the story...so I ended up being sarky and saying "I haven't finished telling the story, but whatever.." and he told me to tell him the rest of the story...but I was still angry, so I told him I wasn't going to tell him a story when he wanted to go to bed. It went on for a while..then he said he was really going to bed..and I decided I was not going to go to bed being angry with him and with him still being angry with me..so I decided to explain myself and also apologise for being hypersenstive. I don't know why I'm like that. I don't give a damn when strangers make me feel dumb, ugly, (fill in the blanks)..but it really bothers me when people I care about/like do things that make me upset...and very often, it's not really that they insult me..I just read too much into their actions...I wish I could change...not be so silly. I mean now I can understand why no one has ever held it out with me for very long.
But more than being angry with him, I was/am angry with myself...for acting like a jerk...for being petty and childish. Is it really true that people with poor self-image treat the ones who love them badly...to subconsciously see how far this person can go?
From the play "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf" by Edward Albee: "You know, there's only been one man in my whole life who's ever made me happy. Do you know that?...George, my husband...George, who is out somewhere there in the dark, who is good to me - whom I revile, who can keep learning the games we play as quickly as I can change them. Who can make me happy and I do not wish to be happy. Yes, I do wish to be happy. George and Martha: Sad, sad, sad...Whom I will not forgive for having come to rest; for having seen me and having said: yes, this will do; who has made the hideous, the hurting, the insulting mistake of loving me and must be punished for it. George and Martha: Sad, sad, sad...Some day, hah! Some night, some stupid, liquor-ridden night, I will go too far and I'll either break the man's back or I'll push him off for good which is what I deserve."
This is one of the passages I'll never forget. At 17, I may not really have understood this, but as I grow older, I find this is one of the most poignant passages about love that I have ever read.
Ok, enough about the misunderstanding...I should tell you why he's a wonderful boyfriend. He surprised me by coming to Dresden on Thursday evening, instead of Friday noon, as he told me. I was supremely shocked when I opened the door, because I thought it was Fu Wei knocking. We had planned to eat Bak Kut Teh, you see...and the food was almost ready..so I thought it was her coming to tell me that it was ready. But it was Marcus! I was very very happy...but still shocked. But it was really really sweet of him...
He always tries to make me happy...and thinks about what I would want or what would make me happy. I guess this is what makes him different from my ex-boyfriends. I mean sure, I think they did want me to be happy too...but they never put in as much effort as Marcus does now. He also keeps to his promises...which is really, the ULTIMATE prerequisite for my guy. I don't need expensive holidays or clothes. I need someone who says, "I'll be there at 10" and is really there at 10...and that describes Marcus perfectly.
The list of his good qualities goes on...but the conclusion I draw from this...is that I really should learn to be less sceptical and hypersensitive...if not, I will end up jeopardising all the relationships which mean anything to me.
Ok, I really need to sleep now.
posted by Samantha @ 11:43 pm
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