I spent the whole night crying. It's so pathetic. It's so different from my last break up. I was so relieved and even happy then. Now I feel as if the worst thing in the world has happened to me. I've never felt worse in my life.

He broke up with me because he said he didn't have any feelings for me anymore. He didn't feel in love with me anymore, he said. Well, what can I do about that? If he didn't like something about me, I could change. If he'd found someone else, well, I could understand too, because you just like some people more than others. I asked him if it had gotten boring. He said no. He said the only reason was there were more feelings towards me. He still liked me as a friend, but not more. But later, when I asked him if we could still be friends, he said it wasn't a good idea, but we could try. The fact is, he said, it had nothing to do with me and I didn't do anything wrong. Which makes me even sadder, because it means I can't ever do anything to get him back. If I'd been doing something wrong, at least I could try to change...

I even stooped so low as to beg him several times to give me/us a second chance. He said it wouldn't make a difference. We could meet in October to talk, but he didn't think his feelings, or lack thereof, would change. I asked him if the feeling was more important that I was. He said yes. I told him that I really loved him, but of course, that doesn't change a thing.

I guess it's really a bad time because I'm having 3 exams next week. It was already hard enough to feel motivated to study even when I had the weekend in Munich to look forward to. Now it's even worse. But he said there's never a good time to break up. He didn't wanna do it before I flew back to Singapore or after I came back to Germany.

I've never loved any guy so much in my life and it hurts like crazy to know that I can't do anything to change the fact that's he's gone and he's not intending to come back. While talking to him, I became more and more sure that he was determined and his mind was already made up. But you know, a drowning man will clutch at a straw. I asked him if he was sure and he said yes. So I knew my fate was sealed. I knew that even if he changed his mind now, it would only be out of pity for me. He said it wouldn't be fair, because I would want more than that. He's right, sadly. I just didn't think it would end so soon. Neither did he, but it just happened. How can I begrudge him for that?

So I just told him what I love about him: that we can agree to disagree and that he always makes me happy with all his crappy jokes, even if I'm in a bad mood. And it was fun. He admits it was fun too. He said he'll never forget me because I was his first girlfriend and guys don't forget their first girlfriend. I don't know if it's true, but well, it'll be nice if he at least remembers me in some way...even if we weren't together for very long.

When he was leaving, he said "Thanks for everything." And then he was gone. Just like that. Something I never expected right up till the moment he said he wanted to break up.

On one hand, I won't have to worry if I'm annoying him or think about how to make him happy. But when you're in love, these things just come naturally and you don't see it as a chore, but as a joy.

I guess I'll get over him eventually, but he was my erste große Liebe so I have no idea if I'll survive till eventually gets here. But I guess we had some really good times, and that's what should stay in my memories. We never really had any majorly unhappy incidents, so I guess I should be thankful for that.

Max just broke up with me. I didn't see it coming. I feel so lost now. I really love him a lot. I would give anything up if tonight didn't happen. But he's made up his mind and there's nothing I can change. That hurts even more.

I won the bear! So happy that I went to transfer the money immediately. Still haven't gotten my Monchichi, but the seller already rated me this morning, so hopefully they sent it like today or yesterday...if I don't get anything by Saturday, I will email them.

Now I have a problem. What to wear to Max's cousin's christening? I have nothing decent to wear. Max said I could wear the dress I had on yesterday...but I wear it to sleep, so obviously I can't wear it to a church. Besides, it's too low cut. All my clothes are either too low cut, too short, or too informal...OR, like my pants, are so crumpled that they cannot be saved. Max claimed I crumpled them and ironed in the creases. I tried for nearly 15 mins..but they didn't look any better. Urgh. I dunno if washing them again will help. Max might go shopping with me, but I don't really wanna torture him. I know he hates shopping. But the problem is that on my own, I wouldn't know what's appropriate and what's not. After all, I've always been a very casual dresser. Hmm, now I have an idea. Maybe I can wear my punjabi suit with black pants...I mean it looks like a dress...then I'd only have to get shoes! I'd love to wear my sari, but I think it looks to foreign. Well, maybe I'll ask him when he comes over or something. Then I can save money. I think the punjabi suit makes me look pregnant, but oh well...which dress doesn't make me look pregnant?

To be honest, I love the colour of the punjabi suit...but not the cutting. It accentuates the hips. I wanna wear my sari!! Haven't gotten a chance!

Ok, better go do work man...

Still feeling restless today. But I managed to get all of the peripheral stuff done, like go to the bank and transfer money to the seller for my Funshine Bear. Max thinks I'm insane for liking the Care Bears, but he thinks anything vaguely girly is horrible. Ok, I admit my eBay page looks bad, cos all I've bid for are some Care Bears.

After the bank, I popped by the International Office to pass Mr Eberhardt the Big Unknown DVDs. He was so excited to finally get them, that he wasn't even listening to me when I tried to explain why I took so long to get it to him. He made all these plans to screen the thing...and when I got home, barely 15 mins after I left the International Office, he had already sent an email asking people to gather and watch the show! My goodness. To be honest, I don't wanna watch it again, cos I feel dumb on tv. I'm a totally self-conscious person, so don't ask me why I agreed to be on the show. I don't regret it, because I had some really interesting experiences, but I don't exactly wanna watch myself.

Then I went home and did the rest of my laundry, then later, I vacuumed the floor. I was online the whole afternoon, watching my Care Bear auction and trying to find the documents listed for my Sprachenpolitik seminar. Someone bid 3.50 Euro for the bear, so now the price is 4.00 Euro, cos my maximum bid is higher than that. Erhg. No more time to check tmr morning...and I have classes till 10:50am. Have to wait so long to check. The seller is very nice. She wished me good luck.

Max came over at around 3pm and we talked till I had to go for class. When I came back, he was still using the Internet, and a little later on, we cooked...it's a risotto-like thing, but Max claimes my ingredients are not very risotto-like...oh well, but it tasted good anyway...so I thought. Max said it was well-spiced. Then he continued using the com while I watched Sex and the City and Friends...then he finally came to join me to watch Desperate Housewives. It's probably one of the shows we can agree on...haha.

Swedish tomorrow. Have to wake up early...urgh..hope I win the Care Bear.

I am gonna die. My mind is lost. I can't even concentrate anymore. When I called Max, I just couldn't concentrate on what he said. My mind kept wandering. He probably noticed. I think it's partly exam stress that's making me all confused, restless and weird...but it's also because now I feel when I call him, I'm bothering him...maybe it was also cos I wanted to give Audz a reply about Munich asap too. Like I can't deal with multi-tasking at all at the moment. I am so restless. My attention span is about as long as it is when I am drunk. That's really bad. I am even getting tempted to call Max again...but I can't do it, esp after not paying attention to him during our last phone call. Ok, anyway, I've been pushed to the limit...so I sent him an sms. He said, it's ok that I wasn't paying attention. Haha. Ok. I think I'm totally ineffective tonight. I shall just go sleep and hopefully tomorrow I'll be more up to studying. It's horrible to be so inefficient. Barely a week left! Maybe it's cos I haven't taken an exam in like eons...over a year. I don't remember having an exam last sem. Or maybe I did, but cannot remember.

I'm scared. I really am. I dunno why, but I've never been able to deal with exam stress. I usually eat too much...which is bad. And then I am restless. And it's all cos I am dead afraid of allowing myself to fail.

Someone save me...

Oh, I got a Care Bear!! Funshine bear! I have to go to the bank tomorrow to transfer the money. I hope I get him by the end of the week. I hope my Monchichi comes soon. I was worried that I screwed up something in the ebay process. I hope not. I hope I get it really really soon. Then, I shall stop buying things from ebay. Well, for a while anyway. I bid for a 3rd Care Bear, but the auction only ends in 6 days'. I'm insane right? But I really like the 80s Care Bears..so nostalgic. I had Wish Bear I think...I dunno what happened to her, but I really hope I get the one on ebay now.

I'm tired. I look tired. Someone in the lift told me that. Have a major headache, but no panadol to take. Wondering if I should take the cold medicine, since the active ingredient is paracetemol. But...shall not risk it...it was expensive too anyway.

I tried to revise more Swedish yesterday, but I didn't get past lunch. After lunch I felt lazy, so I went online and chatted with Audz till I had to go to Max's place. When I got there, he was busy cleaning his apartment, so I took the opportunity to revise a bit more of Swedish...but well, he didn't take too long either. He'd thought of vacuuming before mopping the kitchen floor, but he decided that he was not too keen on it, so he just mopped it. It was a bit scary, his kitchen, because there were plates and cutlery all over the place.

Then we just vegged out on the sofa. After that, we decided that it was really too hot, so we went to shower. It's horrible not to have aircon in the summer! Then we were both hungry, so he cooked some gnocchi for us. It's very funny. He always gives me more than he gives himself..but he finishes very fast...then he'll start picking from my plate...then he'll feel guilty and tell me to ask him to stop if he's eating too much of my food. But it's really ok...I mean I probably couldn't finish everything anyway, since he always gives me a lot.

Then we decided we both had cabin fever and really needed to get out into fresh air. So we went to the Great Garden and walked from one end to the other...then since we weren't too far from my place, he walked me back to my place...well, to the bus stop anyway. I waited with him for the bus, then went home. I felt so tired after that, that I couldn't do anything.

This morning, I got up at 7.30 and went to the supermarket. I hope I have enough food to last till at least Friday. I don't wanna have to go to the supermarket again so soon. It's very tiring to carry every single thing back. Phew. Gonna make lentil soup this week. I think it can last me at least for 3 meals, if not more.

One ebay auction ending tonight. I hope there's internet, so I can check on it...

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I have finally discovered the joy (or is it curse?) of ebay. And what do I want to buy? Well, stuff that I already have lots of: TOYS! Maybe those of you who have seen my room think I have too many...but I subscribe to the belief that you can never have enough toys. We have toy families at home...we have a huge monkey family, a pig family, a penguin family, a dog family, a hippo family and many more (of course we have a bear family too. who doesn't?). We all love stuffed toys at home. Even my dad has a few, although they are under our guardianship. Haha.

Max says he definitely wouldn't buy me a stuffed toy for my next birthday because I already have tons. I wonder how he knows that. I only have 4 on my bed here. But, I can't sleep very well without a bed full of toys...even if it means less space for me.

So, what did I bid for on ebay? I bid for and won a Monchichi. You know, the monkey-looking ones. It was a tv-series too. Steffi has one...and well, I saw a cute one, so I bid for it...since no one else seemed interested in it.

Apart from that, the 2 running auctions I'm watching are both for 80s Care Bears. I think the new ones simply cannot compare with the originals. I hope I get both of them, but the one with the longer remaining time is the one I really really really want. I'll really have to keep my eye on that auction, cos I want it so bad. Unfortunately, I will be in school when it ends and in any case, there'll be no computer to check... :( I suppose I'll check again on Tuesday night...and see how.

I hope I am not becoming an addict.