I have very rotten luck with men. There was this really weird guy on the streets today who told me I was beautiful and wanted to drink coffee with me. He kept saying he liked me a lot. Like what a freak, I don't even know you. He was INSANE...he kept muttering to himself when Mai told him to leave us alone. Why oh why do all these freaks come up to me? Am I a freak magnet or something? At least he didn't follow us...and it was a crowded area, so nothing happened. But it's horrible. I don't even feel safe anymore, like there's no one to protect me from all these freaks. I'm so scared.

Mai and I went shopping today...and it helped me to keep busy for about 7 hours. We went into countless shops and tried on stuff. I bought 3 tops: a blue tube, a blue/green striped shirt for work and a pink sequinned top that I've been dying to buy for like over half a year. It was too expensive, about $40...so I never bought it...finally, I found it at 50% today and there were only 2 pieces left...in my size! Yay! But when I got home, it made me sad again, because I realised that I don't have anyone to wear it for, so what's the bloody point? Even if he never noticed exactly what I was wearing, he would tell me when I looked good.

This morning I didn't cry when I woke up, because I thought about it and realised that it was really no fault of mine that he chose to break up with me. I know I've been an understanding and reasonable girlfriend, or at least I tried very hard. I never picked quarrels with him over little things...I never called to check on his whereabouts or accused him of seeing other girls...I never told him what he could or couldn't do...when he had to change plans, I always accepted it...and when he was sick, I took care of him and kept him company...when he needed to use the Internet or print something, I let him come over. But then all these things don't mean anything now. Sure, I don't have to care about what he feels anymore, or if he'll call me...but when you're in love, you do all these things gladly..you even kinda see it as a privilege.

I'm still hurting. Very badly. And I don't know what to do to make it better. None of the distractions last very long and once they're over, the pain comes back. And tears flood my eyes. I can't say exactly why the pain is there. I guess it's the pain of having a hole torn into the fabric of my existence. It's the pain of knowing that no matter how hard I tried, it wasn't enough. It's the pain of knowing that I can't do anything about it. It's the pain of losing someone I love. It's the pain of emptiness and silence. It's the pain of losing my direction and my focus in life. It's the pain of losing something to look forward to.

I know lots of people have gone through this and have felt immense pain as well..but I'm not so strong, not as strong as I would like to believe. I feel like I am lying to myself when I say that I am strong and I will get through this. Whatever I might say, the truth is that I'd give anything up to have him back. It's impossible I know...but underneath it all, there's nothing I want more than him. My mum would scold me for getting too involved with him, despite knowing he wouldn't be my life partner. But how can you stop this kind of thing? Love is impossible to control and when you only give half your heart, you also only can receive that much in return.

I'm still aching inside. I feel so empty. I never realised it when he was still with me that he had to a large extent become the centre of my universe. Even if I didn't see him much, I looked forward to seeing him. Even if I was annoyed at him, the moment I saw him, I just couldn't be angry anymore. I never realised that now there's such a gaping hole in my life without him. I never took him for granted, and loved him with every fibre...but it still isn't enough. Love is about two people and it's useless to make a one-sided attempt.

Finally the exams are over. But I don't even feel happy. Instead, I'm just dragging myself around.

I did get to talk to Max yesterday and no he doesn't hate me, but he really doesn't love me anymore and I am sure of that. It doesn't mean we're enemies though. We got along just fine and that's what I always liked about him. That he can be my friend and I can talk to him...not just talk about mushy lovey-dovey stuff or make out all the time. And we really did talk yesterday. I shed a few tears now and then, but I didn't cry and look like a loser. But we've decided that we'll try to be friends. He said it'll probably be weird when he or I find a new partner, but we'll worry about that when the time comes. It was a very honest talk and I appreciated it. We talked about other things too, of course. I definitely didn't feel to awkward, except that I couldn't touch and kiss him anymore. I don't know how it was for him, but I guess he was ok too.

I told him that I wish I loved him less so it wouldn't hurt so much, but it wouldn't have been as wonderful either. He agreed with me. And I know it's not that he never loved me or anything...it just lost steam. I guess that happens, although I find it hard to accept.

It was quite funny because when we went to the kebab place, the guy serving him had asked me out 2 years before, when I just came to Dresden. I told Max that afterwards and he said, "You have all these guys trying to talk to you!" and I replied, "But they're all stupid and I don't like them." "Thanks, man", he said. "You're the only exception", I told him.

The rest of what we talked about shall remain private...there's too much to say anyway. I guess I can only say that because I love him a lot...in fact, the first guy I've ever loved...I have to and will respect his decision. And I will move on. I can't lie and say it doesn't hurt. It does...but I understand. And if it didn't hurt at all, then I never loved him. I will always have a soft spot for him though, because he taught me many things, about life and about myself. Even if it didn't last very long, it was beautiful while it lasted. There was never a dull moment when he was around. I could never hate him. The only thing I could begrudge him for is for breaking up with me...but there's nothing else about him or the relationship that I will look back at and regret.

It's been nearly a week. I've somehow survived the sleep-deprived nights and loss of appetite. AND 2 exams which I had today. I think i did quite well for Swedish...I started learning quite early and anyway, the exam was a real piece of cake. There was absolutely NOTHING that wasn't in the book. So, the revision did pay off after all, barring any careless mistakes.

I've lost 3.5kg in 4 days (was gaining weight before that, so now, I don't look any skinnier now)...but I know it's all gonna come back the second I recover my appetite...and more will be added to it.

There are a lot of conflicting feelings inside me now. On one hand I know I should move on and forget about him. On the other, I believe in fighting for what I really want. I didn't beg him to come back because I didn't wanna feel lonely. I really want him. I mean ok, sure...he doesn't want me anymore..but I still want to tell him how I feel. Even if he laughs in my face...I want him to know how I feel. I know there's no salvaging a lost love. But I need closure. Simply because I loved him a lot. Even if it doesn't change anything, I've come to see what I have done wrong in the relationship. Certainly, I'll bear in mind this information for my next relationships but I just want to explain to him why I did the things I did. Even if he thinks I'm insane and is glad he DID break up with me after all. You need to reopen the wound and purge the poison..even if it hurts. I am a masochist, maybe.

I just hope to be calm and rational when talking to him. I don't want to get him agitated...nor myself.

I've talked to quite a lot of people...at varying lengths. Everyone says something different. Some have vested interests, others are comforting and others have new insights and yet others are peculiar.

This girl in my seminar today looked like SHE was gonna cry when I told her that he broke up with me. She says she doesn't believe in love anymore. Haha. That was so funny.

Tja. Well, I guess I'll have to get it out of my system and finally then will I be able to get over it.

It's always a conflict. Sometimes you want to be determined and not give up even as you breathe your dying breath and other times, you wonder if it is smarter to give up and cut your losses. I've usually chosen the latter, but this is one time I'd much prefer the former option...even if it's like the most unsuccessful thing I'll ever attempt.

Oh well, only thing is to just talk to him and stop thinking so much about it.