Exorcising my inner demons

At some point today, I realised that I need a attitude transfusion. I've been sulky, impatient and sullen these past few weeks and it really sucks. I've spent way too much time being self-absorbed...but there really isn't anyone else for me to channel my energies into.

Maybe because I give so much, I expect a lot too. But mostly, I just get disappointed. The more you give, the more you get taken for granted, somehow. You could suggest I just sit back and let other people do the giving. I've tried that...and have been waiting ever since. Human beings are disappointing...even those you are close to...or maybe ESPECIALLY those you are close to. I wanna stop caring...I care too much. It hurts me even when I know I haven't done a good enough job explaning stuff to my students...and I don't get any money from doing this...nor am I their only teacher.

I'm sick of empty promises. Stop telling me you'll do this or do that...and either not mean it, or simply forget. All these crap promises won't make me happy. What makes me happy is if you do what you promise. If you can't do it, don't promise. I don't need things to make me happy...I need reliabilty. You asked if you could win someone over by sincerity. I gave you a chance...but whatever happened to the sincerity bit? Out of sight, out of mind...that's what's happening. Don't blame me...you didn't try hard enough. Words mean nothing, if your actions contradict them.

You feel bad that you've been neglecting someone close. Well, she's someone close and I am too...and if there's different degrees of neglect, I've gotten the losing end of the stick. If it's not ok to neglect her, what about me? What do I mean to you? You worry that we're growing apart...but it takes two hands to clap...and mine has always been there, waiting for yours. Don't ask me why I seem unhappy...you just have to look a little more intensely to find the reason.

I like you because you're a good person, but I hate it that everything revolves around you. You're very lucky, but you have no idea how to be grateful for it. I can't have your kind of luck...and there's nothing I can do about it. I just hope you learn to appreciate it more...and also be more sensitive about other people's feelings. Sure, there are plenty of opportunities on offer, but not everyone's so lucky to be offered it.

In case this seems all jumbled up, it's actually about several different people. I don't hate any of them...I'm just disappointed. I'm just spilling this all out, and thus hoping to exorcise my inner demons. Maybe then I'll learn to be happy again.

I'm feeling tipsy...thanks to just one mug of Glühwein. It really packs a punch man, and if you add in the fact that I hadn't eaten for hours before that and that I have close to zero alcohol tolerance, you'll understand why. I couldn't turn my head without feeling like I was gonna fall over.

After that, I ate a Riesenschnitzel, which was quite value for money...it was really big. Most people didn't finish it...I wanted an excuse to stay at the table as long as possible, because I was afraid I'd fall over if I tried to walk. But it wasn't too bad...your essential fatty food that keeps you warm in winter. Fu Wei gave me one of her Quarkspitzen...it was not bad too, but I was so full by then...you know, the law of diminishing returns and all.

But all in all, the atmosphere at the Weihnachtsmarkt was great...lots of people, it was cold, people drinking Glühwein, eating Bratwurst, selling Stollen, etc etc. It's really not hard to get into the spirit of things. I think I'll start decorating my room a bit...wanna make it a little more Christmassy...today's 1. Advent...I don't have the candles thing...but I have some other things which Steffi gave me last year.

My head feels heavy man...this is a sign to not touch alcohol, I guess...it's not for me. But, it was really nice and warm while I was drinking it...before the effects hit me.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire wasn't bad. I mean it definitely has very little similarity with the book except the essence of the plot and normally I feel disappointed about that, but then you really do have to learn to appreciate both versions based on their own merits. However, the actress playing Hermione, whatever her name is (I forgot)...oh...Emma Watson or something...has actually gotten worse! She is frowning all the time and practically shouting all her lines. It's all so OTT. I really wish she'd exaggerate less. In the German version, it didn't seem so bad...cos the dubbing artist had more feeling...but whoa...I thought you're supposed to get better with experience?? In any case, Daniel Radcliff has nice lips. I know he's not gonna win any awards for that, but they look so kissable! I take back what I said about him getting uglier. His lips make up for everything.

My memory card is full! That's scary...I guess I'll have to delete some photos...don't really wanna do that. Am almost tempted to buy a new memory card just so I wouldn't have to delete any photos. But that's not very practical, I guess. I'll upload them and then burn them all into a CD and then I'll delete the ones from the memory card.

I am very very thirsty! Must be the dehydrating effects of alcohol. Man, I love the taste of water! Haha, I know water's supposed to be tasteless, but there's a sweetness in there that's like nothing else there is.

Nothing much to watch on TV now...maybe I'll go read one of my books.