I'm beginning to believe in retribution. Previously, the ex-es usually had the complaint that they never got the feeling that I was their girlfriend, that I had one million and one other things to do and they never figured much in my life. And now? Well, I have a boyfriend who treats me more like his toy than his girlfriend. When he feels like it, he'll deign to play with me. If he's not in the mood, he'll toss me aside and forget me.

We argued the other day, but that was a misunderstanding. He thought that I didn't want to talk to him and I thought he didn't want to talk to me. However, it led me to realise that I was more dissatified with the relationship than I'd wanted to admit. So I told him what I felt was lacking. I said it would be nice if he called me once in a while. I mean I've never done it before in any other relationship, but I actually call him...and I am the one calling all the time. Of course I don't call him every hour...at the most, once a day, but usually once every 2 days. He said, "We see each other every 3 days. I can live without hearing from you for 2 days." If I wasn't so sad, I might have slapped him for saying that. He says he feels pressured, because he thinks he plays too significant a role in my life. Right. I am beginning to feel that his idea of having a girlfriend is just something like having a tennis lesson. Something that happens once or twice a week without you having to pay much attention to it when you're not playing. I don't think I expect THAT much from him. I don't expect presents, love letters, flowers...romantic stuff. I just want to know that I matter to him. He doesn't have to tell me that he loves me or anything. I don't need him to be mushy...but an SMS to say "hi, how's it going?" once in a while would be nice. I don't need him to spend all my time with him, but is it so wrong not to want him to leave (of course I let him leave)?

He said I could afford to care less about him. True, I could. I could treat him exactly the same way as I treated my ex-boyfriends: waiting for him to call me, instead of ever calling him; always having something else on and not giving him priority over other things, etc. But I ask myself if that would really make me feel any better. And the answer is no. But well, I can't tell what he really wants either. I didn't call him after I got back to Dresden yesterday, so he called me and asked why I didn't call him. I said he never told me to call him. I didn't deliberately want to spite him or anything. I just thought I'd give him space, since he felt pressurized by me.

I don't know what it's like in general, but for most couples I know, they see each other nearly every day. When they don't see each other, they're on the phone with each other, usually at least once a day. I don't even expect half that much...but it seems too much for him already. I really do still like him a lot now, but if I keep giving without getting anything in return, I am going to eventually give up on him. he claims it is always the girl who initiates the break up...and he claimed he would have problems talking to girls for a while if/when I break up with him...but the way it looks now, I hardly believe him. It's true that I am not exactly worried he will cheat on me. But he has so many other things of his own to think about and do...that I feel rather neglected and sometimes taken for granted.

I really have no idea what to do about this. I cried so hard that day, that my entire face hurt and I couldn't sleep. But I don't ever want to cry like that again. So I suppose I'll have to try and live with it or break up if it goes too far. One thing's for sure. If things don't work out, I am staying away from guys for a while...and if I ever look for another guy, he'd better like me more than I like him...so I will spare myself the heartache.