Denial seems to be the only way to protect you from yourself.
I suppose no one is perfect, but no one likes listening to what's wrong with them either. It's worse when it comes from people you care about. Sure, I think you'd feel the need to change, or at least be less X or more X depending on what X is. But what can you do when it's a part of you? How much can you change and still be yourself?
Well, I'm sure there's a long list of what's wrong with me...but perhaps I'll just list the 3 most pertinent at the moment:
1) I'm very impatient and when I want something, I want it NOW! Ok, I don't know why I am like that. My mum tells me that all the time. I think I am slightly less impatient than when I was younger but I think impatient is kinda tattooed on my forehead. Maybe I don't trust people to do things on their own initiative...that they have to do it now or be reminded a gazillion times. So ok, I guess I have to trust people more and even if they don't do whatever it is they're supposed to do, I suppose I'll survive...it won't happen overnight though.
2) I get super angry when people promise me stuff they end up not doing. I guess this is linked to no. 1. I think it started when my dad promised us things which he didn't do, e.g. clean up the house. Then it became boyfriends who said, "I'll buy you this", "I'll call you", "I'll write you a letter" etc...and none of it materialised. It's funnier when they deny it of course...but I've got the memory of an elephant when it comes to stuff like this. I suppose I'll have to 1) trust people and 2) realise it's human to forget your promises...
3) I am hypersensitive...yup..I am. Have always been. Can cry at the drop of a hat. I don't know. Maybe it's because I always got left out of stuff in sec school. When you have a concert that involves the whole class and you're one of two people left out two years in a row, I don't think you'll have much self-esteem left. The other girl killed herself 5 years ago. Of course, that wasn't the reason, but feeling left out and out of place sharpens your sensitivity towards the things people say, because it feels like me vs. THEM. But how do you turn something like that off? It's not like you can wear an extra layer of skin and nothing will affect you. Well, I suppose I'll just have to learn to ignore what people say.
If I could have it my way, I would like just to hide in a hole away from the world. Then who would care if I'm impatient, hypersensitive and have a bad temper? But John Donne the crazy priest, said "No man is an island"...well, I suppose we can't live with them but we can't live without them either.
I suppose no one is perfect, but no one likes listening to what's wrong with them either. It's worse when it comes from people you care about. Sure, I think you'd feel the need to change, or at least be less X or more X depending on what X is. But what can you do when it's a part of you? How much can you change and still be yourself?
Well, I'm sure there's a long list of what's wrong with me...but perhaps I'll just list the 3 most pertinent at the moment:
1) I'm very impatient and when I want something, I want it NOW! Ok, I don't know why I am like that. My mum tells me that all the time. I think I am slightly less impatient than when I was younger but I think impatient is kinda tattooed on my forehead. Maybe I don't trust people to do things on their own initiative...that they have to do it now or be reminded a gazillion times. So ok, I guess I have to trust people more and even if they don't do whatever it is they're supposed to do, I suppose I'll survive...it won't happen overnight though.
2) I get super angry when people promise me stuff they end up not doing. I guess this is linked to no. 1. I think it started when my dad promised us things which he didn't do, e.g. clean up the house. Then it became boyfriends who said, "I'll buy you this", "I'll call you", "I'll write you a letter" etc...and none of it materialised. It's funnier when they deny it of course...but I've got the memory of an elephant when it comes to stuff like this. I suppose I'll have to 1) trust people and 2) realise it's human to forget your promises...
3) I am hypersensitive...yup..I am. Have always been. Can cry at the drop of a hat. I don't know. Maybe it's because I always got left out of stuff in sec school. When you have a concert that involves the whole class and you're one of two people left out two years in a row, I don't think you'll have much self-esteem left. The other girl killed herself 5 years ago. Of course, that wasn't the reason, but feeling left out and out of place sharpens your sensitivity towards the things people say, because it feels like me vs. THEM. But how do you turn something like that off? It's not like you can wear an extra layer of skin and nothing will affect you. Well, I suppose I'll just have to learn to ignore what people say.
If I could have it my way, I would like just to hide in a hole away from the world. Then who would care if I'm impatient, hypersensitive and have a bad temper? But John Donne the crazy priest, said "No man is an island"...well, I suppose we can't live with them but we can't live without them either.
posted by Samantha @ 3:39 am
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