I think I'm a very do things first, then pick up the pieces later kind of person. As in I usually act rashly, then I regret my actions after that...when it's actually too late. Then I just feel dumb. Man. I should learn to think about things more...instead of rushing out to do them. Then I wouldn't end up regretting all the time. You can't take it back once it's been sent out. So I guess I am worrying about nothing...but I can't not worry? It's such a vicious cycle.

On a funnier note, I was helping Shermainey with Maths...well...not much, cos my maths sux and I've never done A Maths...so we chatted with Sherry who was at SMU waiting for her project meeting to start. We came to the topic of Surds. I laughed my head off cos well, it sounds weird, don't you think. Then Sherry asked what surds were, cos she'd forgotten. Shermaine read out some law: "The product of two surds need not be a surd." Which was pretty useless, cos I had no idea what a surd is. Then she said surds were something like square roots that can't be square rooted into decent numbers, so they're just left in the square root form. So, I told Sherry that surds were like mathematical turds...you know, cos the body can't digest certain stuff, so it ends up as shit? Haha. So corny hor? But it's true!

Ok. I feel slightly better after talking to Han. I'll just have to wait to see what effects my email had on someone. 2 more days to wait. Will I survive?

Went swimming at Kheng Hui's place today. 2 major poseurs there who seemed to only have swum right before they were ready to get out of the pool. How dumb is that? And right after they got out, they both lit cigarettes and ate chips...how's that for negating all the benefits that exercise (or the semblance of it) brings you? Oh well, I didn't swim that much either, but we found some "treasures" in the pool, like a 5 cent coin and an earring!

Ok, time to pack my room and get ready to sleep soon!

I don't wanna keep writing depressive posts. But I just can't shake off the indifference I'm facing. If there's anything I hate, it's indifference. Cos I don't know where I stand. I don't know what to feel. I think I'm an idiot. I should get on with life. I should stop expecting so much.

I got the internship offer from EDB. Yay! I'll accept it soon. Just have to work out my timetable for next semester. Sigh. Then I'll call them on Monday. I don't think they work on weekends.

I also learnt how to make my grandma's chicken curry today. It tastes great! But it's A LOT of work. Sigh. It was fun though...it took 3 of us nearly 2 hours to cook...and only 30 mins to finish it all up. Haha.

Don't feel like writing anymore..except that I miss Han already! :(

Do I want too much? Or am I just bad at baiting? I give up. Maybe I should just be content with my old life. The one before June 2004. Alone. It's boring, but it's safe. I shall seek refuge in my stuffed animals. They never tell me I'm ugly or stupid or boring. They just smile at me...like I'm the only one in the world they're thinking off. Deluded? Maybe. Disillusioned? Definitely. Maybe I'm just a cynic. Maybe I've been burnt. What the f**k.

Today is a weird day. I woke up and was in such a SUPER mood..the sun was shining, the sky was blue and there was a beautiful breeze blowing. I felt like I couldn't feel any better than this.

I went grocery shopping with my mummy. We walked to Westmall...I've never felt so happy to walk to Westmall before. I was in a light breezy mood all the time. I happily pranced around the supermarket, gathering ingredients for the soup that I was gonna make. We got to take a cab home...which made me feel even better.

The soup turned out to be pretty yummy...which was good, since it's one of the only things I know how to make from scratch. Then got a few emails that I was happy to reply to. So everything was cool!

Then Kheng Hui smsed to ask if I wanted to go over for a swim. I was all ready to go over...when my mummy suggested he come over instead...since my pool is always empty and for some reason, she got the idea that I was planning to walk over to his place in a swimsuit. RIGHT...like that would ever happen. I'm not exactly proud of the way I look in a swimsuit..though I really really love my new swimsuits. Both the black one and the pink one. It was like yesterday. We mostly sat in the pool talking...we swam like nearly NOT AT ALL! No sunburn today though. :) Just brown.

We went over to his place later...then we headed over to Holland V to meet Jiat Ling. Thai Express wasn't too bad. They have too many service staff though...like they never heard of the Law of Diminishing Returns. Pity there wasn't enough rice. The gravy was quite yummy...but no point eating it alone, without rice. The tom yam soup that Kheng Hui ordered was super spicy. He was totally sweating...poor boy! Oh, and Jiat Ling gave me a Hippo! I don't know what to call it yet. All my toys come in families, says Ying Han...well, quite true ;). We decided on going to Coffee Club for dessert. We shared "Triple Chocolate a la mode", "Muddy Mud Pie" and "Apple Crumble a la mode". What the f**k is it with "a la mode"...sounds so CHEESY! Anyway, we ate so much that we were ready to explode. I am not gonna look at ice cream and cake for the next 2 days at least!

Well...so what on earth got me suddenly so depressed? Well, I decided to go online and write the fake reference letter for my friend. While I was doing that, I got an email from someone. Somehow it made me feel very depressed. Like I can't sustain anyone's interest like that. Like I'm so boring. Well...like I'll never have luck in love. That I'm a major loser in this department. Oh, I'm a loser in many departments already...this just tops it all off. I once thought I was immune to these kinds of things. Love's not for me...so I thought. Yet when I don't get it...I feel like I've fallen into the pits of hell. I hurt the people who care for me and I yearn for those I cannot have. What's wrong with me? At this rate, I'll just end up a desperate loser, or a frigid bitch. Both are not good options. I just wanna have a good cry and forget about all this. I'll keep my feelings to myself next time. I don't need all of this unfeeling, indifferent crap. I can do that just fine on my own, thanks.

Got an interview tomorrow morning. Sian. Not in the mood anymore. But maybe keeping busy with other things will take my mind off the pain and misery.

Nunkey Muffins by Christine and Sam 

Sam and Han after swimming 

I am as red as a lobster now...and to top it all off, my mummy's pissed that I went swimming at 2pm...she says it's my fault that I'm destroying my skin. *pout* But I like sitting in the pool when the sun is shining. I like getting darker. I mean I always turn red the first day...then the next day, I'll just be dark..that's all.

Anyway, Han came over yesterday to stay over. She was LATE...but that's nothing new. (Haha...) She tried to help Sherry and Mainey fix the van Gogh puzzle...but boy, I have to admit that it's really difficult. Everything looks the SAME! Although I usually LOVE jigsaw puzzles, that one was really annoyingly difficult. I finished off my email to Max, then Shermaine, Mummy, Han and I went to play Ligretto. I dunno when it all started, but my former hyper-competitive nature just resurrected from the dead. I won both games in the end, but I think I acted like a spoilt brat most of the time...even though in the end, I usually was the one giving in. Sigh. Dunno why also.

Then Han and I just talked and talked till the wee hours...about lots of stuff...and her bf called her...he's so naughty...can't allow me to enjoy my time with Han in peace. And I only see her once a year. Humph...oh well, I suppose I understand lah...it's not easy for them either. In any case, it was still no problem talking to Han, even though we'd mostly only communicated via email throughout the entire year. The topics have changed since JC, but it doesn't matter. We can still talk somehow...which is definitely good. :)

We woke up like just in time for lunch. Bee hoon. Yucks. I ate porridge in addition to that. Cannot stand BEE HOON. It brings back BAD MEMORIES...of CHEM REMEDIALS on SATURDAYS and HOLIDAYS! It's tasteless too. Ugh.

After that, we went swimming. Wore my new pink swimsuit for the first time. I like it a lot...except it's a tad indecent at the front. If I had the choice, I'd NOT have a HOLE in the front of the swimsuit! Han's tankini was very nice. Very PRETTY! :) I like mine too...we took some photos. Just for fun. I look gross...but I have gone beyond the point of caring. Anyway, we hung out in the pool for like 2-3 hours?? Shermainey came home halfway and brought Nunkey down to see us. My mummy left somewhere in between too. Time sure flies by when you're having fun! I was trying to teach Han how to swim underwater...you know, the kicking off part. But I'm not a very good teacher. I can't swim very well, but I know the techniques from being in the swim team. It makes life for me easier...even if I can't go fast. Well, maybe Han and I will go swimming together again like next year. Times seems to fly anyway.

Then I just bummed around at home. For the first time since I got back, I had dinner at home on a weekday. I ate too much...even though the food ain't great. Looks like I'm bound to gain weight while I am here...though I'd hate to. I don't need to be slim. I just need to be able to fit into my clothes...the ones I have now. Otherwise, I am happy being me. I don't feel upset anymore when the auntie at Guardian or Watsons asks me if I wanna try some random slimming product. No thanks babe.

I really should be starting on my homework. Shan't be such a procrastinator like last time. I'll read some stuff tonight I guess. If not, then I'll start tomorrow morning. I'm so lazy man. Ugh.

Well, I won't be watching The Big Unknown again tomorrow..going out with Kheng Hui and Jiat Ling...gonna eat at ThaiExpress...finally! We ended up at Crystal Jade the last time I was at Holland V with Chris, Han and Ruth.

Well, I guess I'll go now. I'll really miss HAN! Although at least Shermaine will stop hiding Nunkey or other various toys in Han's bag when she leaves!