Well, it's really over. He didn't miss me one bit when he was in Munich and that's how he's sure he made the right decision. It was painful to hear, but maybe in retrospect, I'll be able to understand it better. At least we did have some great times together. I just have to accept it as my past. When I saw him, he wasn't the same guy I fell in love with. He had put this cold distance between us. Sure, he was funny and crappy as usual, but there was this imposing void looming in the room. I wanted him to hold me and tell me it's all just a really bad nightmare...but it isn't and I know I'll have to wake up and smell the garbage.

I am back from class today and I am waiting for my Harry Potter book to arrive. If there was nothing else to look forward to, at least there's Harry Potter. I can immerse myself in an imaginary world for the time it takes to read 600 over pages and not think about the pain of reality for a while. All the little activities have been excursions out of reality, but reality has a horrible way of hitting you in the face when you try to ignore it. When I am with other people, I feel optimistic for a while. I can even joke and laugh, even if it is a boring literature block seminar...but the moment when I'm alone and the silence is deafening, reality re-invades my little dream world and I get all depressed again...negating whatever little shard of optimism that was slowly beginning to develop.

I started reading Harry Potter around the time after I got out of hospital for anorexia. The stories were an escape from reality, if nothing else...it was fun to read about an imaginary world that still seemed kinda real. It was also comforting to know, I guess, that despite having magical powers, it doesn't mean you have control over everything either...and it doesn't mean you'll be happy. So...I guess it kinda puts things into perspective. They are certainly slow in delivering the books today...but maybe that's cos lot of people ordered it and the postmen are slowly making their rounds. I should've ordered it from the bookshop...then I could've just gone to pick it up...but well, Amazon.de is nearly 5 Euro cheaper than the bookstore price! I am just gonna restrain myself from going to bathe or doing the laundry till the book arrives. I need to know that it's safely with me. Haha...so crappy right? So much fuss about nothing...but when something's important to you...

The lit seminar was definitely BORING..well...the first few presentations were just normal and bearable...but the last 2 presentations were LIVING HELL. I swear I was gonna walk out if there had one more slide on that 2nd last presentation. Like some people are so stubborn or exaggerated. It's annoying! Like hello..some stuff is totally NOT important for the presentation. You don't have to give like 1001 examples to prove a point. You can write it all down in your paper. Don't torture the poor people who went all the way to school on the Saturday after school ended! One of the girls was pregnant...she was practically glowing...she looked nice. She also had on this shirt that I thought of buying to match the skirt I bought yesterday when I was out with Angeline. I don't look good in orange, but I think if I wear a black top underneath, it should be fine. This other woman, dunno if she was pregnant, couldn't button the last button on her shirt. It looked a bit tight too. Maybe she's pregnant, or she gained a lot of weight during the exam period. Yes, these are the thoughts that go through my mind when I'm sitting in a boring class.

Yesterday was actually quite nice. I met Angeline at around 10:30 near my place. We took the bus to Prohlis and went shopping! We just walked around looking at shoes at first. Angeline found this pair that was SUPER comfy. But she wasn't so sure about black, cos she thinks it looks too severe against her pale feet. It makes sense really...I never quite thought of it before. So she didn't buy them, but KIVed them. Then we went into Esprit...didn't buy anything there...and then into H&M. We spent a long long time in there. We tried on lots of stuff and looked around for very long. I decided to buy this green skirt, though I don't usually get green stuff much. Green was my favourite colour when I was a kid though...the toilet seat cover in my great grandma's house was changed to green cos I liked the colour. Anyway, I tried it on and I really liked the length and the material...so much so that I paid 19,90 Euro for it. I am really stingy with money, despite my obsession with clothes. $40 is quite a lot to pay, I think. And you know, considering how much I ate in the past 2 days, I might not even be able to fit into this skirt anymore. Angeline bought a lot of stuff...3 skirts, 3 tops and a pair of shorts, I think. It could've been more. It all came up to around 152 Euro. It was fun shopping with her. It's nice to go with someone who has spending power and who doesn't think so very hard before deciding to buy something. I mean, then I don't feel bad for spending money either. After that, we went into one or 2 more shops and decided that it was time to have lunch. We ate at the restaurant there. I had a lot to eat! Hacksteak, baked potato with sour cream, corn and garlic bread. I was so full by the time we were through. We also sat there for quite a while, just talking. Then we went to NewYorker. I couldn't find the skirt I wanted...well, I wanted the white one..and of all things, they only had it in S and L...and for this skirt, I wear M! I mean I usually wear L or XL, so I gave the L a try...it slipped down to my hips...so it was a no go. I've been to 3 NewYorkers already...I will try my luck again in Kassel...if I don't find it, I am not fated to have the skirt. Or I will settle for the purple or green version, but I still like white the most.

When I reached home, it was already like 4.30pm or 5. We were supposed to have dinner at 6pm, but ended up eating after 7. We had beef noodles, chicken rice, gulasch and some other stew like thing. Everyone LOVED the chicken rice. Me too! I ate 2 servings. For dessert, we had fruit salad, cake and watermelon. We were all very full after that! We could hardly even walk. Liu Jian's husband helped us to clean the washing area. I am so grateful to him. The place looks so clean now (well, the floor anyway).

Speaking of food, I am dying to have lunch. Time to call Fu Wei!

To all the stupid men out there who just want sex, please stay away from me. You are not worth my time. I will find someone out there whom I deserve...and boy do I deserve better than you. If you think having no-strings-attached sex will boost your fragile male ego, you are so WRONG. You're just way too cowardly for the real thing. Stop trying to attack me in what you perceive as my moments of weakness. Someday someone will pay you back.

Ok, now that's off my chest.

Now I wanna rant about something else. My freaking exams. I did really well for Swedish. Could've gotten full marks if not for one silly little mistake...but I'll be satisfied with 54/55. However, what I have learnt is...grades don't bloody tell you where you're really standing. I am sure if they had dictation or listening compre, I would've failed the test...but it was all grammar and translation, which you can actually memorize stuff for. I suck at application though...which is why my other 2 exams didn't go too well. Sure..I passed. I even got a 2,0 for my Diachronic Linguistics, but grades are so relative. This is my first 2,0 ever for English. I've usually gotten 1s...the worst ever was 1,8. Sigh. What on earth is happening to me? I've lost so many things...boyfriend, a chance to take the impt exams, a 1 average for English. Sigh. Sure, maybe a 2,0 is a good thing for many people, but the truth is, I know I am capable of more. But what's the point? A near-miss cannot be considered a success, no matter how close you come to the target. It is still a freaking MISS. Sure, very pessimistic, but how else can you react when the world as you know it comes crashing down? There are people with worse worries...but for the individual, it doesn't so much matter WHAT those worries are, but rather that they are HIS worries.

Max will return me my Care Bears DVD tonight and since he didn't sound particularly enthusiastic, it might be the very last time I ever see him. Sure, it sounds fatalistic, but how can I react when he just hands me the DVDs and leaves? I think I already know. I will cry. And feel pain for a long time to come. To know that someone you love can walk in and walk out of your life just like THAT, is like hell on earth. It's nothing that no one hasn't experienced (Gosh, the construction of this sentence is risky...3 negations!)but it doesn't mean that the pain becomes less because you're not the only one who has suffered. I've learnt more through this...and I apologize for the times I was insensitive to anyone experiencing a break up or a rejection. I now know how you must've felt.

On one hand, I am looking forward to seeing him. On the other, I don't want it to happen because I know it will hurt me to see him leave. Forever.

Life has never been more complicated. Feelings are a complicated thing...

Well, I'll let you know what happens. Probably not much.

Oh Rach, don't worry, I will check for your letter next week!

Oh my goodness. Some guys are just so darn predictable. I knew he only wanted sex...and I was RIGHT. Do men think women are stupid or what? That we don't know that the only thing on some of their minds is nothing but SEX. Sure, there are definitely exceptions to the schwanzgesteuerte Männer...but those are a bit harder to find, especially over here, where sex is so normal. You see people placing ads (actually, both male and female persons) offering "no-strings-attached" sex IN THE STUDENT NEWSPAPER! Honestly, I think no-strings-attached sex is worse. As in you'd expect more cos well, you're only with the person for sex...so it'd better be really good. In a relationship, you can accept it when there are times that it's not so great or perfect, that there are good and bad days. You know what I would really like to do? Say yes to one of these idiots and at the end of it, say: "Gosh, that was really awful. I thought you had experience." And either throw him out or leave, depending on the situation. Haha. Ok, I'm evil...but it's their fault for thinking that they're God's gift to women. And these men don't just prey on the gorgeous chicks...they prey on whom they think is vulnerable. These men can sniff out vulnerability anywhere and anytime. But oh well, maybe that's not the best way to get revenge.

I must have some sign on my forehead that says "Come flirt with me and then toss me aside!" Nah, I don't really think that, but I seriously have a problem with staying in a relationship. Either I get bored, he gets bored or someone never even wanted to get together in the first place. Maybe I should be grateful for any attention, cos I ain't no supermodel or hot chick...but..erm, some kinds of attention you don't ever want.

Thanks for the compliments and all, but I'd like something real. Although there are pros and cons to a fling and to a relationship...and the latter has way more bound to it. So I guess I am not ready for the latter yet. I don't wanna open up my heart again, only to have it trampled on. Maybe one day I'll be ready for that, but just not right now.

I am slowly growing to accept that life and love don't always go the way you want them to, even if you've put in more effort than any other person. It will still take a long while and perhaps everytime I meet a setback, I will have to learn this lesson again, the hard way. But maybe that's what makes life interesting and worth living: to get up again and continue going after a fall.