It's 8 am and I am sitting in our dirty, dark corridor just so I can use the internet. Mai and Phuong got the guys to connect the cable directly from the guys' room to theirs, so I had to find a t-connector outside to connect my cable to. Oh they're awake now. But oh well, I don't quite need to use it for very long.

I wish I could say that I was progressing. Maybe...but the pain is just turning into indignance and anger. Someone told me she took 8 months to get over it and she even did rather badly for her exams. I am very lucky that I did ok for all of my exams. It's hard for us because we are in a foreign country with no family and not many good friends. It helps a bit to know that someone in the same situation can survive...even though it doesn't cancel away the pain. I am tempted to curse all men...but I guess it's not fair to those who are really good to their wives or girlfriends.

Mai made fresh spring rolls yesterday. Everyone ate 2 and I ate 4. I was really hungry by then, I guess. But then there was dessert and cake and wine. Aiyoh. And after that, Steffi and I went to watch Madagascar at UFA. We bought popcorn and coke. It was way to much. I didn't stop eating for one second and by the end of the movie, there was still at least 1/3 if not 1/2 left. Steffi's dad will come send me to the airport on Monday!

I'm going last minute shopping with Liu Jian today. I have a few things I need to buy. I calculated how much I spent on clothes and accesories since May 28th...and it's 256 Euro...over $500...is that scary or what? This is really expensive break up therapy. And I'm not counting the money I spent on CDs, the trip to Kassel and other odds and ends. But, I hope I will not end up in this state too many times in my life...or I'll find less expensive ways of dealing with it.

Mai's gonna make the fried spring rolls tomorrow...we're gonna have another little party. :)

This is just to test how this thing works. I've never used this function before. This is a photo of me in Ruthie's kitchen in Kassel. We'd just baked a pineapple banana and chocolate cake. Too much pineapple, but the cake was nice! MMM...I love bananas!

Anyway, as cheery as this photo looks, I am actually kinda sad now. I wish the sadness would just go away...but instead, it is hanging over me like a raincloud. STORMCLOUD... everytime I think it's gotten better...it ends up bad again. Every little thing reminds me of him. Often, it doesn't even have to be something very significant. And then I slip back into that pit of depression. And cry. And feel a strange pain in my heart.

And the vietnamese spring rolls that Mai was supposed to make didn't materialise. Because of this girl who wants to try Vietnamese food tomorrow for lunch. And I might not even be there for lunch because I am going to watch Madagascar with Steffi...but she hasn't gotten back to me yet. And well, I like to know in advance...I don't like things to be last minute. But well, as life has proven over and over again, things never go according to your plans anyway.

SIGH. HUGE GIGANTIC SIGH. I'm so afraid of being alone these days. I can't even stay in my room for more than 1 hour without getting this fearful feeling inside me. Afraid to be alone, afraid to be forgotten, afraid of being alone with all my crazy thoughts and all my pain. Someone help me.

Fu Wei is in Konstanz now. While she packed her stuff to leave, I sat on her couch reading Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. It's really good stuff. I couldn't put it down (except for eating and sleeping). I finished reading on the train to Kassel. I slept on Fu Wei's couch on Saturday night, cos for some reason now, I feel way more comforted when I know someone else is there. When I was at Kassel, I slept way better knowing that Ruth was there, even if she was walking around and busy doing work. It goes back to my childcare centre days. I was too terrified to sleep if I wasn't sure that there was someone who was there for me. That's why I have loads of stuffed toys on my bed. And usually, I get the best sleep at youth hostels, when there's loads of other people there. It's strange how a shocking event can jerk you back into your childhood insecurities.

Fu Wei spent quite a while looking for her keys. I had to get up so she could check behind the sofa. Phuong and Mai got mobilised into helping too. Phuong found them ontop of the cupboard. Fu Wei probably put them there while she was trying to put something into the cupboard. The next morning, I made French Toast for breakfast. Then we ran like crazy for the tram to the train station. We both caught our trains of course. I thanked Fu Wei for treating me so well these past few weeks. She was really a great help to me. She let me hang out in her room...she let me cook stuff for us to eat, she cooked stuff for us to eat, she went shopping with me etc. Mai was very nice too. We went shopping and went swimming and all these little things helped me a bit.

I was so happy to see Ruth in Kassel! I read the remainder of Harry Potter in the train. We had lunch at the station. I had Currywurst. Haven't eaten that in 2 years! The last time I had it was when my mum was here with me in Dresden. We went back to her place, then went on a walk to the Orangerie. We took some photos there. There was this bunch of boys who lost their soccer ball to the river. I don't know if they managed to save it in the end. We walked home after that. Ruth cooked yummy spaghetti for dinner, then we just talked and planned what to do the next day.

I read Ruth's book "I kissed goodbye to dating" on Monday and finished it by lunch time. I don't agree with everything, but some of the author's points do make sense. Like today's society is too commitment-phobic. People have casual sex because they think a relationship is too much commitment. The sanctity of marriage has thus definitely taken a huge blow. Sigh. The other point I found very pertinent, is how physical intimacy gives people the illusion that they are closer to each other than they really are.

Then, I met Ruth in town to go shopping. It was a fruitful trip to say the least. I bought something from nearly every shop we went into! Ruth bought one jacket. By the end of the afternoon, I had 5 tops, a pair of shoes and a box. The shoes weren't cheap, but they were so comfy and exactly what I was looking for...so I just had to buy them. I always have shopping luck with Ruth. Which may or may not be a good thing. Anyway, we went grocery shopping after that. We bought Magnum 5...it's great! I ate 2 of the 5 before Ruth even ate one. Oops. We had turkey and rice for dinner...and baked a pineapple, chocolate and banana cake! It was really nice smelling. We used a bit too much pineapple though. But it still tasted ok :).

The next morning, I followed Ruth to her uni to use the computer. I wrote 2 emails and surfed a bit and then went to town to do more shopping. I'd wanted to buy this pink bag, but I decided against it in the end. I bought 2 more tops though, both from H&M. I went into Xanaka and got a teal skirt for 9,90 Euro. The salesgirl nearly gave me a heart attack when she thought it was 24,90 instead. Fortunately, she asked her colleague to check and it was 9,90 after all. I wouldn't have bought it at 24,90! I also bought "The Best of R.E.M." CD at 7,99 Euro. This other place was selling it at 16,99. Unbelievable or what? I also got Kassel postcards. Was very tempted to buy many other things, especially some earrings...but I resisted. I still have to buy some presents. Ugh. Then I got back. Charlotte, Ruth's housemate, was there already. We had lunch together and talked a bit. I hadn't seen her in like 1 1/2 years already. Then Ruthie came back...and we all went to town.

For dinner, we had Rahmspinat, eggs and pasta. And I ate ice cream again. We also had chips and I ate a banana while we watched "My Fair Lady" on DVD. Henry Higgins' speech/song at the end kinda described how I felt. On one hand, he's angry that Eliza left just like that...and on the other, he wants her to come back. It's anger and longing mixed up. It's awful.

Then I fell asleep already. Ruth stayed up till very late. Poor Ruthie. She's not had enough sleep for a while. We woke up early to have breakfast. Then, I had to go to the train station. Ruth came with me. The train ride was ok. It wasn't TOO long.

Angeline was waiting for me at Dresden Hbf. We went for lunch at Karstadt. The food wasn't too bad. Had chicken wings! Then we went to both H&Ms in Prager Str. I bought 2 more tops! Haha...shopping addict! We also went around looking for other things she needed for her guests tonight. Then I came back home and tried to get my room in order again. Frankly, there's a lot to do! I'm sleepy already though. I read some emails and replied to some. I think I need 2 people for referral for the EDB thing...but erm, I don't know anyone who's not related to me and is gainfully employed. Hmm. Sigh. A problem. How? Then I also read my auntie' letter and Rachel's letter...and then I tried to send my photos to Mueller for developing. It took like 4 tries before it finally worked! I thought I was gonna die from the tension and anticipation. But finally...so I'll pick them up on Saturday. Hope they are there. If not...no chance already lah. Sigh.

Gonna get ready to sleep now. Very sleepy...although it is only slightly past 10pm.