I don't always wanna talk about Max, but if I don't talk about Steffi or school or other people, there's only Max to talk about over here.

We went to watch Batman Begins on Wednesday. Because we wanted to watch it in English, we went to Cinemaxx instead of UFA Palast, which is nearer to my place. Cinemaxx is nearer to Max's place. I decided to wear a skirt because it was so warm...but skirts don't go with sketchers sport shoes...so I wore slippers. The exact same kind I wear in Singapore. But what happened? I got foot cramps. In both feet. I somehow made it to the bus stop, but I didn't know if it would go away. I thought I was gonna die of the pain And after getting off the bus, I'd still have to walk to Max's place, which is about 8 min away by foot. Well, the bus reached at 19:38 and it was 19:45 by the time I rang his doorbell. Anyway, on the bus I met this girl who was in the same Lit tutorial as me in the first semester. She's from the US and a great dancer (I don't mean disco). So we talked all the way on the bus until I'd gotten off. She said she didn't recognize me at first, cos I looked so great. Haha. Well, I guess I didn't look so great in winter 2003. Pale, puffy-looking, pimply (well, I still get pimples now, but not so many), etc etc. But it was a surprise to see her again! I was vaguely wondering what'd happened to her, so it was great to see her on the bus.

Anyway, Max was sitting in his room when I got there. My feet were feeling slightly better by then. We wasted a lot of time...we wanted to leave for the cinema earlier, but ended up leaving only at 20:20, and the movie was supposed to be screened at 20:30. He told me that my clothes were nice, but they'd look better on his floor. Is that crappy or is that crappy? Anyway, he said that he was glad that we'd talked.

We took the bus to Cinemaxx because I definitely couldn't walk for 15 minutes in the slippers. The ground here is very bumpy and uneven (was that tautological?). But it turns out that the stupid commercials lasted for over 30 minutes...so good thing we didn't go so early. Max bought popcorn..which is strange because he told me he didn't like it. Then he revealed that he usually doesn'y buy it because he either is too cheap to buy it, or he thinks it makes him fat. Anyway, we shared the popcorn. He paid for everything, including the movie tickets and I let him...because I didn't have any money on me (well, not enough to have paid the 6 Euros)...but I don't think he knew that. Just so happened that I'd gone to the bank and deposited all my money...and whatever cash I had left, I spent buying things like stuff for Max's present (have to find time to make it and have to borrow an iron...probably from Max himself), groceries and a top to go with my white skirt. I'm planning to wear it for Max's cousin's christening. I had to look for a long time because I wanted it to be light blue and because it's in a church, it had to be decent (not low-cut, not revealing in any way, etc.) Considering summer trends here, it definitely wasn't easy to find. I mean they had very decent stuff too, but it was either boring, or I'd sweat to death in those things.

Sorry, sidetracked. Anyway, Batman Begins is nice. Except for some leaps of logic. Shall not mention them, in case I spoil someone's fun. We both liked it but it was super late when the movie was over, so I asked Max if I could stay over at his place. He said, of course it's ok...then later he said that I'd planned it. Very funny. If I'd planned it, I would've brought my toothbrush and stuff to sleep in. He lent me a t-shirt and a pair of his boxers. He asked me which design I wanted. Haha. Then he pulled out the sofabed for me and asked if I wanted to hear something romantic. I raised my eyebrows. He said, "We don't have anything to eat tomorrow!" Haha. Very romantic. Anyway, we ended up talking like it was a sleepover...which was nice...except it was very late by the time we went to sleep. Still, I had a nice feeling inside. We got up at like 9.15 the next morning...we walked over to the bakery to get breakfast. Max asked me what I wanted, but I had no idea what they sold, so I asked him to take me along. They only had sweet stuff...so I took a pudding schnecke. After breakfast, we were very tempted not to go for our first class at 1pm, but I did leave at around 11.45am anyway. Max said he was a bad influence on me. Haha...probably, but I definitely went for class.

Now, I am having exam panic. Only have 1 1/2 weeks to learn for my 3 exams. Sigh. DIE already. :S

Never ever underestimate the power of a misunderstanding. If the people involved don't take time out to explain themselves, it's gonna fester into a horrible pus-filled wound. Excuse the failed analogy.

Max did call yesterday after all. He said he wanted to come over, but somehow I didn't think he sounded very enthusiastic. Anyway, he was an hour late, but I'm kinda used to it already. We went to collect my DVDs from my ex-neighbour first...then, it seemed kind of weird. Suddenly, he blurted out, "We have to talk." I thought only girls used this line, but ok...then he said, "I think you're too complicated." Hmm. I had to take a deep breath so I wouldn't cry or strangle him. Then he told me other things, like how he feels pressured and all that. About how he feels I want to spend every second of my free time with him and he's not ready for that...that he needs his own space. Then after saying all this, he added, "and I don't want to break up with you". "That's a surprise", I said. It appeared to be going in that direction. He said that if he wanted to, he would say it straight out. But if I wanted to break up with him, it'd be ok as well. I can imagine what his speech would be like if he did want to break up: "Sam, you are the nicest, most beautiful girl in the world. But we have to break up." Haha.

Well, then I explained to him that it would be nice to spend more time with him...but it's like a hypothetical situation and that I am perfectly happy seeing him twice a week. I also told him that I'm also a person who needs my own space...just that this semester, it seems I've gotten too much of my own space..so he was the the receiving end of my desire to spend time with other human beings. But ok, I can totally understand now. He said he thought it was difficult to talk to me about serious stuff cos I'd cry..so he couldn't go on talking about it. And I told him I thought it was difficult to talk to him because everytime we talked about something serious, he'd want to change the subject. Then I think we kinda realised how silly we both were. Then I asked, "But why do you want a girlfriend if you need so much time for yourself?" He replied, "I don't want a girlfriend for the sake of having a girlfriend. I want to be together with you." Gosh...that's like the most romantic thing he has ever said and will probably ever say to me...so I'd better remember it well. Then he gave me a hug and said, "Lass uns neu anfangen"...ok, I admit I am lousy at translation...so I shall just leave this last sentence in original.

Anyway, now after thinking about it, there were definitely things that I could've done better and things I shouldn't have done. It's always good to talk things out...you often come to many new realisations. The only problem is how to start I guess...even after Max said, "We have to talk", his next line was "I don't know where to start". I probably would've said the same thing. But once it gets going, it gets easier.

To be honest, Max and I have never really argued before. It's more like if there's a conflict, it's usually a misunderstanding that we can clear up by talking about our intentions and feelings. That's actually quite good. I don't wanna fall back into the same pattern: get together before the hols, break up before the end of the semester and find a new guy. I don't wanna find a new guy...I like Max just fine.

Ok, should stop talking about him...makes him sound like he's in only thing in my life, but that's not true either.

Have to start studying for exams soon. Not much time to actually...only have 2 weeks! I am so gonna die. I have to pass Swedish by hook or by crook (with the exception of cheating) and this other exam...one of them I don't need the credits for...so it doesn't matter really. Have a presentation too...but I didn't get to the crux of the topic...so I am very annoyed with myself. There are also other papers and homework due...yet, I am hardly in the studying mood. I have to start somewhere though...

Thanks Kheng Hui for the Arnold Schwarzenegger postcard. It was a real surprise to see his face..haha. Glad you wrote to me as promised.

Ok, gotta write a letter to my aunt, then I have to start on the homework.

This has got to be one of my worst weekends ever. I don't even know what I should think about it.

I was practically crying myself to sleep every night because of this brutal email he sent me. He said it wasn't meant in a bad way, but he's hurt my feelings anyway. True, he has other problems. It's not that I don't know that. What I don't know is how he expects me to react. Does he want to be left alone? Does he want me to ask him about them? Does he want to talk about them? How can I know if he doesn't tell me?

On one hand, I really do like him. On the other, I think I deserve to be treated better. In any case, I stumbled on an iVillage article when I was writing to Christine yesterday. Here's the relevant excerpt:

Don't Do Nice Things for Them. Let Them Do Nice Things for You

If you do something nice for someone, it makes you feel good on two levels. You feel pleased with yourself and extra-warm toward the person you've just spoiled. To justify the effort or expense, we often over-idealize how wonderful he is to deserve it! End result: we like the person more. When someone does something nice for us, we're pleased. But there are a whole lot of other emotions that come into play -- and they're not all good. Sometimes we feel overwhelmed. There's pressure to live up to being the wonderful person who inspired such a gift/act, not to mention pressure to return the favor. It's all even trickier if the "nice thing" comes from someone you very much like but aren't sure about yet. Got the point? When we're infatuated with someone, we're desperate to do nice things for him. You're much better off letting him spoil you.

While it sounds good and quite aptly describes my sitatuation. However at this point, I wonder if I sit back and do nothing, whether he will even notice or care...and that's very disturbing. Well, maybe I should try it...I have nothing else to lose already...I hardly have any dignity left anyway.

He came back last night...he sent me an sms that simply said, Ich bin wieder da. Bis morgen. I don't know what he meant by "bis morgen". I am not trying to think too much, but I dislike ambiguity. Was it just something to say...like "seeya around" or did he really mean he was gonna call me or see me the next day? Well, I won't know till this evening I guess. If he doesn't call, then I'll know it's the former...if he does, well, then I'm lucky, I suppose.

Ok, on to less disappointing things...

I can finally cycle without anyone holding the bike, but only for short distances. And erm, I can't like start on my own either. Oh and I also had a little accident. I crashed into a tree while going downslope. But the tree and the bike are ok...and I am too...except for a few scratches on my arm. It could've been worse...but I'm not scared or anything. I hope I can really cycle on my own soon...that'll be really fun.

Well, there's homework to be done now...